The Dead Synapses Society

In further efforts to stem the global economic downturn affects on aviation. Airlines such as those of Britain, the USA, Canada, France and Germany are to start adding a 20% 'fat charge' to the flight tickets of all female passengers holding British passports.

This is as a result of a report by the European data agency Eurostat which shows that a quarter of British women - 23.9% - are obese which makes them the fattest females in Europe.

The 20% will be added when a woman holding a British passport makes a reservation for a flight.

If she makes the reservation on the Internet she would have to supply her nationality and passport details - i.e. its number and where it was issued.

Speaking from London a spokesperson of the WAA (World Aviation Authority) which agrees with the airlines' decision said that Britain's fat women have been endangering the lives of flight crews and fellow passengers because they've been making planes dangerously overloaded.

British female passengers will also not be served any refreshment or meals on the flights. They would be able to buy a packet of low-calorie chewing gum on booking in at an airport.

After Britain, the country with the highest level of obese women was Azerbaijan, but as none of those involved with the survey could spell the name, the country with the third highest number of obese women - Malta - was upped to second position.

The 'fat charge' will commence on Saturday December 12th.

More airlines are expected to announce that they too will apply the 20% 'fat charge'.

The Chancellor today said that if the Eurozone dips into a full blown recession, it is inevitable the UK will follow.

However in an effort to cheer up the country, George Osbourne announced a revolutionary initiative driven by breweries, the government, and a delegation from the FTSE's Top 100, that beer prices will be reduced to a pound a pint in time for Christmas, with cigarette prices plunging to fifty pence a packet, and the lifting of the smoking ban in pubs, work and public places.

The new laws will come into effect on December 3rd, and are bound to prove a massive hit with the electorate.

The Prime Minister reaffirmed the new measures this evening to a half empty house, saying that a think tank had linked the recession hit economy with the closure of hundreds of pubs up and down the country.

"Pubs form a central core element of our economy, and of our social heritage," he stated. "When pubs are suffering financially, it's a reflection of the nation's financial well being. It quickly became clear that people simply weren't using pubs - so we took a long hard look at the smoking ban and the price of beer at the bar. We concluded that drink and cigarettes are currently far too expensive, and that not only are people avoiding pubs - they're also avoiding the High Street because they can't just pop in the pub any more, for a pint, a ciggy and a chat.

Following extensive talks, we decided to axe the smoking ban and slash the prices. That should get people out and spending. A fag puffing, beer-swilling nation is a happy nation."

A spokesperson from the Employers Federation welcomed the end of the no smoking in the workplace era, saying that the smoking in the workplace ban had effectively cost the nation billions in lost production revenue, as millions of workers 'just nipped out for a quick fag,' on average, about seven times in any given working day.

The moves were welcomed by Cranbrook Casanova, Edwin O’Brien, a twenty-a-day Viagra addict and notorious lothario.

"This is great news," O’Brien said. "Now I can lie back and puff on a nice B&H after entertaining one of my lusciously lovely young lady friends after the pub shuts and not feel guilty about it. It'll be just like the good old days. Providing I can remember where I put the ashtrays."

Two Scouse Femme Fatales were arrested by Merseyside Police yesterday after their daring robbery was foiled by most high tech (and unstoppable) of police tactics.

The stationary, highly visible security camera.

The two woman gang, made up of Grainne "The Shamrock" O’Shea 55 and Diane Devlin 53, whose Facebook profile lists her hobbies as "reading detective novels, planning crime sprees and evading the BIZZIES!"

The girls, calling themselves "The Liverpool Mavericks", developed a fool proof plan that when it was put into action would net them enough bottles of cheap vodka, cider and gin to last them to the end of the week.

Grainne explains: "I saw this TV show on TV like, called err Supermarket Sweep like, where the people go round a shop and put loads of stuff into their trolleys, like. And I thought why not me, like?"

A simple yet ingenious plan involved the two ladies going into a supermarket, collecting a trolley, walking down the beer aisle, filling it up with booze and meandering out of the shop! A plan so far ahead of it's time it should have lasers on it.

The first shop to be targeted by this flawless scheme was the ASDA Superstore in Walton Road. The women were able to load their "steed" (the Mavericks codename for the trolley) with the "fizzy make good juice" (codename for booze) and make their escape out of the front door.

Security were unable to stop the brave twosome as they were too busy doubled up in laughter at the fact anyone would have the balls to just walk out of a shop with beer.

However the genius of the idea was to be unveiled once they got outside.

Diane elaborated for us: "Well we knew the bizzies would get called because stealing is still a crime in this backward country, like. So we reckoned the bizzies would be looking for a car that was driving right?

So we decided to make sure we didn't have any petrol in ours."

The ladies then pushed their car (still filled with the stolen booze yet totally inconspicuous) into the nearby garage which was also owned by ASDA and filled their tank up.

The strangest thing about the whole episode was that they paid for the petrol instead of just driving off and giving a big middle finger to the oil industry.

"Yer can't steal petrol like, only illegal immigrants do dat!" Shouted Grainne when this question was put to her.

So even though these where hardened criminals they weren't prepared to stoop to the new low of fore court jumping.

Having avoided capture for half an hour the two heroes of the people decided to hit another supermarket and use the exact same tactics, thinking if it isn't broke don't fix it.

However this time security was awake and not functionally retarded and decided to stop them before they left the shop. They were linked to CCTV footage from the earlier crime and both now await sentencing.

Asked why they didn't bother covering their faces, distinguishing marks or the car license plates they gave a very well considered reason.

"We had developed a cloaking device like, that we believed made us look like two middle aged Indian blokes, unfortunately we forgot to switch it on!"

An unfortunate oversight in a otherwise faultless execution.

After the global success of Twitter, Facebook and Ireallyneedablowjob.ie

A new social networking site has just been launched, but this time with a subtle twist.

So as to match the needs of 21st century urban living, 'What Yer Lookin At.com' allows users to post their picture and details online but discourages others from viewing the pages.

Users can customise their area with audio messages that play comments such as 'Does your mother sew?’ ‘Want to step outside?', 'Did you call my girlfriend a slag?' ‘Pick a Window’ and 'I'm going to push yer teeth through the back of your head, you wanker'.

The “Superpoke function” allows users to set virtual dogs on other users, while the Random “Senseless Attack” application means that one user can destroy the page of another for no reason other than 'I was having a bad day and you looked at me funny'.

The creators of the site, Ivan Irresponsible-Middle-Class, 26, and Tim Ross-Kemp-On-Gangs, 28, stand to become billionaires if their site takes off.

A similar site, Twatter, is due to be launched next week.

Strong rumours began to surface amongst Cranbrook's social elite today, suggesting that party-loving Pippa Middleton has rediscovered romance with Cranbrook Lothario, Edwin O’Brien.

Friends of the petite 28 year old disclosed that O’Brien, a 20-a-day Viagara addict, picked her up early on Tuesday evening. Lowered her gently into the side-car of his classic 1956 BSA motorbike - and whisked her off to a private function room in Cranbrook's George Hotel.

Later that night they were spotted tightly wrapped-round one another dancing the 'Gay Dork' at trendy Maidstone nightclub, Bar Chocolate.

"Did you know that Prince Philip was Ed's younger brother's fag at Gordonstoun," revealed 24 year old Old Etonian owner of Bar Chocolate, Timothy Forte-Fitch.

"Or that Her Majesty is keen for O’Brien to make an honest woman of Pippa. And see her happily settled down in his sheltered accommodation flat on Cranbrook, High Street."

Meanwhile starlet Cheryl Cole let it be known this morning that any girl who gets taken out by 'Gentleman' Edwin O’Brien should consider herself privileged. "Eddie might be a bit of a demon in the bedroom but he's also a very nice man," whispered tearful Cheryl.

"We were together for just 36 hours, she gushed"

"But they were the most wonderful 36 hours of my entire life."

"No wonder they call him The Cranbrook Whippet."

United Kingdom: New research from Oxford University reveals that an increasing number of women are becoming extremely vocal whilst indulging in acts of a sexual nature.

The most commonly used vocalisations being:

"Oh! Yes! Oh My God YESSS!"

"Oh, Oh yeah. Yeah Right there."

"Fick me, Fick me harder. HARDER! YES!"

"Ah, Oh my GOD! YES!"

Such comments however, lead to male partners thinking that they are the dog's bollocks in the sack, yet extensive research has proved that this is not necessarily the case. Doctor Justin Hump of Oxford University told DSS:

"This vocalisation should not be interpreted as passion.
It is merely in most cases an attempt to speed up the act by the woman. Who would probably prefer to be doing something altogether different?

With easy access to hard core porn, women are becoming more savvy, acting out what the porno starlets do on screen and thus overexciting their partners in order to conclude the act prematurely so they can get back to more womanly things, like sleeping, shopping, Foxy Bingo, e-Bay, and eating chocolate."

"My wife calls me 'Tiger' Raaarrgh!" a passer by told us.

"He loves it when I talk dirty," the man's wife told us.

"He's shit in bed though really, but when the bidding ends in five minutes for your e-Bay item and there's a Cadbury’s Cream egg on the table, you have to hurry things along somehow."

At which point we made our excuses and retreated to the pub.

Is the worldwide web the fountain of youth? If Mrs Mason a pole dancer from Wakefield is to be believed then perhaps it is.

At the ripe old age of 85 yet with looks that don't put her a day over 83 Mrs Mason is convinced that the Internet is the fountain of youth.

The 83 year old is the founder and regular contributor to www.ganniesoncam.co.uk a website for youthful looking older women. She's come a long way from the humble beginnings of a damp council maisonette and now lives in a council one bedroom flat above a pawnbroker.

If it weren't for the Internet I'd be old before my time said Mrs Mason.

Thanks to her 35 second pole-dancing routine on www.granniesoncam.co.uk the money keeps rolling in. Literally 10's of men and women from all over the world log on to her subscription based service every year.

So far Mrs Mason has taken £232.57 in takings since the service started back in 2006. This has enabled her to pay off her rent areas and move on to dryer more suitable property with an inside toilet. I don't know what I would do without it she said.

And what of the future?

"Well I would do more dancing but since my plastic hip operation I've had to slow down a little, 35 seconds is enough for me.

With Mrs Mason's permission we emailed a few subscribers to her service. Although not many replied, we did get some interesting motives for paying to see Mrs Mason's 35-second pole dancing routine.

A woman called Carol Mason from Leeds claimed that she subscribed to the service to make sure that her mother was ok and insisted that she always switched her monitor off when ever the pole dancing started.

Another reply was from a Mr T Francis of NY City who said that he had mistakenly subscribed thinking that the site was www.grammiesoncam.com a music awards site.

When we asked why he was still subscribing after 3 years he said that seeing the relief on Mrs Mason's face when she used her inside loo which is situated next to the pole was a moment of joy and he wished to contribute to her financial well being when ever he could.

It is no secret that the local rugby club U7s coaches have not been the same since the outstanding win against Crowborough RFC. And they all underwent an intensive sexual addiction rehabilitation program.

"I hate to say it," said head club coach, Stephen North.

"But the guy’s are just pure players, players if you know what I mean. It's not a joke or a coincidence that their coaching has fallen way off what both the club and the public demands of them.

That's why I decided to scrap this whole re-hab plan.

I've called for an emergency orgy, any female out there with porn star or stripper experience is hereby invited to Club House, ASAP."

In a related late breaking development, traffic outside of the club was seen backed up several miles. North could not be reached for comment.

Kitty Brucknell, quarter finalist in this years “X” Factor contest has been unfairly left out of any vagina stories as of this article.

We're about to put this oversight to rest here and now.

Kitty Brucknell's local hit song, "I’ve Got My Mates Ex in Me" is nothing but a flimsy excuse to bring attention to the first step leading to her vagina.

Yes, it may seem like Kitty is a naïve, innocent farm girl for all intents and purposes, when in reality she's a master manipulator toying with the emotions of the public by singing sexually charged songs laced with subliminal messages.

When played in reverse "I’ve Got My Mates Ex in Me" says repeatedly: "see my vagina, love my labia and
vibrate my vulva."

Religious groups that monitor this sort of thing and apparently listen to their music in reverse are up in arms over the lyrics when pronounced backwards.

A spokeswoman for the group said, we can't risk our kids ears being subjected to this travesty.

While appearing to be air headed, vacuous tarts these pop princesses are clearly clever mad scientists of the sub conscience.

Kitty's follow up single to "I’ve Got My Mates Ex in Me" will be released in two weeks and is titled, "My Vagina's from Humberside"

When contacted about the validity of this report the record company rep laughed and hung the phone up.

Now that Kitty has her first official vagina story on the net she can consider herself, "arrived".

Emma Watson, the 21-year-old who played Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, excitedly announced to family and friends that she had her first orgasm last night as she was watching television in her bedroom.

"It was so great!"

She bubbled to her friend Lean Bush.

"There was this episode of 'Sex in the City' last night on and I just got really into it and wham!

It happened!"

Ms Watson had been trying unsuccessfully to have an orgasm for nearly Five years.

"We are so proud of her", Watson's mother Jacqueline stated. "We always knew she would have an orgasm someday. I had my first one at about her age".

Her father Chris was equally enthused.

"I thought she would have had one long before now. But I'm glad she's finally having them. This means she will soon be producing children".

Daniel Radcliffe, her Harry Potter co-star, was the only one unimpressed by Watson’s achievement.

"So she got herself off. Big deal!" the bespectacled young man declared.

Sara Jessica Parker, the main star of Sex in the City, was pleased to hear of the benefit Ms Watson gained from watching the program.

"I'm so happy for her! I am sure this will be the first of many!

I hope she will join us in the multi-orgasmic club soon!"

Watson claims she will attempt a second orgasm within the next few days.

"I hope I can have one with my boyfriend after I get better at having them myself", she gushed.

According World Renowned Trick Cyclist Dr Gregorio De Caprio, Sex addiction is no more an illness than an occasional craving for chocolate.

This somewhat controversial claim is likely to upset many people, particularly the likes of Tiger Woods, Bruce Willis, Don Johnson and a few blokes I know from my local rugby club, who have all claimed to be sufferers at one time or another, and equally harmful to so-called sex-therapists who make money by treating this and other associated illnesses.

"What does this bloke know anyway?" Sex Therapist Gloria Dampcrotch flamed.

"He's a trick cyclist fer Chrissakes!

A Goddamn circus performer! He don't know nothin' about sexual malfunction. It's totally irresponsible of him to come out with statements like this regarding a subject he knows nothin' about!"

De Caprio scoffed at such comments and lashed back at critics, saying:

"Because I ride a bicycle, that means I don't know nothin' about sex?"

He challenged. "Hell, I got seven kids, so don't tell me I don't know bout sex. I know where to put it, and I know how to shake it up a storm. Damn fine feelin' it is too.

But every time I get a little wake up call from the guys down there manning the torpedo tubes I don't invariably follow my animal instincts, grab the nearest female and hump the bottom offa her. Because I am not a sex addict!

Nobody is! Because SEX ADDICTION is not some mysterious illness. There's no such damned thing as sex addiction.

It's a myth."

We left the final word with Tiger Woods:

"I don't know if I'm a sex addict or not. I can only say that since I started in therapy I'm down from forty a day to between eight and nine - I mean eleven. It works for me!"

Monday, 21 November 2011

I read in the Observer, that the voting intentions poll has the Lib-Dems at 9%.

Well Jeremy Thorpe never did as well as that, although it is down from 14% a month ago, bit worrying that?

I blame the Tories for letting us play with them.

Last week we had a bit of a scare at he Lib-Dem supporters meeting in Nottingham, a unattended parcel was found in the hall, and the police evacuated all of the 15 people there.

Turned out it was a Lamb Kebab left by a pensioner supporter for the Party Members.

Well, I must get my head around the economic situation we find ourselves in.

Now where is my old Eton abacus?

With the dreaded news released today that CRUFC U7 Coach Terry “OB” and the band “Tight Head” were teaming up for a Christmas single and an attempt at the 2011 number one spot, it appears they are not the only ill-advised pairing threatening to assault our earlobes this festive season.

Link To Video: Click HERE

Billy Ray Cyrus and Britney Spears are reportedly preparing to enter the studio, to record 'We Three Kings Of Orient Are'. Tommy Knobhead, Cyrus' PA said "we think the match up will be magic, I can hear the crowd going wild for it now!"

This side of the pond Micheal Buble and Cheryl Cole are going to delight with their rendition of 'Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.' Cole, 20, said "why aye man, me 'un tha bubble blurk are ganna do eh reet cannie sing-a-lang" (or something!).

Meanwhile the usual suspects will be out in force. Sir Cliff of Richard is doing something special this year.

"Hi guys, great," he waffled, "this is, like, going to be so special, right? I'm gonna get a huge tree, yeah? And, like, drop from it singing 'Oh Christmas Tree' yeah?

Only then, like, the Shadows will join me, yeah? And, like, we'll rock out into a version of my 'Mistletoe and Wine', yeah?"

No.

And to top it all Bob Geldof is planning yet another version of 'Do They Know It's Christmas' this year, titled 'Do They Actually Even Celebrate Christmas Over There?'

it will feature Bono, Katie Price, Peter Andre, Bono, Miley Cyrus, Bono, Bono, Katie Price, Midge Ure and Bono.

I bet you can't wait you lucky souls. This reporter is having his ears removed.

United Kingdom: While the re-emergence of the H1N1 Swine Flu strain has been concerning health officials the world over, a nasty new bug has been worrying fishermen in Cornwall: Worm Flu.

"It's a killer," Douglas Drake said. He and his twin brother Francis are the first (and only) people to report the flu strain to DEFRA.

The Drakes discovered the strain on a recent trip to their favourite lake.

"We went fishin' last satr'dy, and Doug here forgot to buy the minnows," Francis recalls.

"So I made 'im dig up some of these here worms, and we fished with 'em. I didn't catch nuthin', but Doug over there caught a nice trout."

"It was a good fish," Doug interjected.

"My broth'r there cleaned it and cooked it,"

Douglas continued.

"Didn't share none with me, and boy am I glad about that now. He developed the worst case of trouser rot I've ev'r did smelt."

"It was bad," Francis admitted.

"Doug here's eyes was watering like the time I told him I shot our dog while hunting for rabbits."

"It smelt like a badger done crawled up his puckerhole an'died," Doug recalled.

"I made him sleep outside that night."

"An' I din't even git bitten by mossies or midges that night," Francis remembered.

"We've been eating trout out of that lake since we was young, it had to be the worms."

When asked for evidence that the worms in his cup had flu, Francis spoke up, "Put yer ear to the top, you can here the bugger's sneezin'."

Asked if they notified authorities about the flu, Doug explained, "No one will listen.

They're so bugger'd up with that danged pig flu bug they don't want to listen.

I say let those Richies suffer, that's what they git for drinkin' bottled water."

Francis had one more word of caution for anglers around the county,

"Be warned, not only was I gassin' all night, but I had a nasty case of the squirts the followin' day. Use dem worms at yer own risk."

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs hung up on our request for a comment on this incident.

Saturday, 19th November 2011

Diary, One is in such a muddle. I’m Orf to the Falklands soon and all this pressure to produce an heir and one is having.. well... problems.

Katie is being frightfully understanding but one cannot bear to see the look on her face anymore, she does want three little princelets.

Gran has said it is not that important she had dad a year into her marriage and nothing is cast in stone, but one cannot have his future subjects thinking one is impotent, good thing everybody's so obsessed with Katie being so thin- one does think she looks very fetching though.

Anyway dear diary Katie and one are off on date night tonight, must go and see what matching ensemble she's put together for us for tonight, one does hope it involves regal purple again, one is a fan.

Tally-ho my dear diary

Wills

All I'm asking for is the weekend of 24th and 25th December off and I’m refused saying they can't get cover!

Well look after four hundred years of delivering all the toys around the world I think I'm owed a break!

My friend Lady Gaga can do it. She likes dressing up and it won't take long for her to grow a beard.

As a bonus she could sing to the naughty children.

I might just call in sick!

People I ask you what is actually going on?

The Illuminist plan is for a global economic, financial and monetary meltdown.

This is to create the conditions ‘necessary’ for the introduction of their One World Currency, Global Supra-National Central Bank (likely to be a re-engineered IMF) and Luciferian New World Order.

The monetary meltdown will start in the Eurozone, progress to the rest of Europe, Japan … and finally USA. Asia will not escape this coming meltdown!

Christ, That was quite Serious if not a tad intelligent.

Those of you who regularly read my blog know that I actually like Americans, Hush Now! It doesn’t make me a bad person.

But today President Obama startled the nation, nay the world, when he announced this afternoon, that English actor Hugh Laurie has been appointed Surgeon General of the United States of America.

"Hugh's way ahead of the curve on this medicine stuff," Obama smirked. "Who else knew that prescription drugs are unnecessary, and psychiatrists are con artists?

"This kind of thinking can drastically reduce drug costs.

All these silly fools who want a pill just because they're depressed will have to wake up. There's a lot to be depressed about these days. Get over it!"

Obama added that parents with hyperactive, out of control kids will have to get used to it. "Kids are supposed to aggravate the crap out of you," Obama explained.

"Surgeon General Laurie is not going to put up with all this selfish whining."

According to an unnamed source, psychiatrists and tranquilizing drugs are only the first to be debunked. Laurie's ultimate goal is to outlaw heart medications, high blood pressure tablets, and any form of cancer therapy.

"People must learn that getting sick is no longer an option," Laurie said.

"And Viagra has got to go," he added. "Guys don't need Viagra for a flagging sex life; all they need is younger women. Nothing stirs things up like kissing a sexy young woman whose breath smells like bubble gum."

While there is no word as to when Surgeon General Laurie will assume the position, current Surgeon General Regina Benjamin has been transferred to Joe Biden's office.

Dr.Benjamin will be in charge of the black bag that contains the Vice President's personal defibrillator. And possibly walk the president's dog.

Surgeon General Laurie said he has some loose ends to tie up before he can take office. "I have to finish the final series of House MD," Laurie said.

"Carry on my role as an antisocial maverick doctor who specializes in diagnostic medicine, who does whatever it takes to solve puzzling cases that come his way using his crack team of doctors and his wits."

A recent study conducted by the United Nations Committee on Global Warming has concluded that global warming (GW) affects men’s penis size.

This rather startling if not disturbing revelation was made during an impromptu press conference by Health Secretary Andrew Lansley in London this lunch time.

Pointing at a rather large graph, Mr Lansley said,

“This graph illustrates the UN committee's findings. The curve has the same upward turning shape that correlates with the famous GW hockey stick curve. The ‘Y’ axis values are increasing penis size in inches and the X axis values are increasing temperature in degrees Fahrenheit.

The significance of this UN study result is far reaching.

It explains why birth rates in cold climates are always less than in hot climates, why the term "Latin Lovers" is relevant in hot climates and why expletives like "Dick Head" and "Big Prick" are also common in hot climates."

Mr Lansley also announced that he has requested that the UN conduct a female study of global warming and it's affects on female genitalia.

In a delivery room at Bonnie Prince Charles Hospital, Inverness , Scotland, Dr. Lillian McTut brought a healthy 8.3 lbs. baby boy into this world; but imagine her shock when she realized that the baby was totally naked.

"As a Doctor, I have seen plenty of unpleasant and weird sights," said Dr. McTut, "but this was just too much. The depravity of it all, where will it end, I ask you, where will it end?"

One of the midwives attending the birth, Maggie Mc Donald, confirmed that the baby boy, whose name is Ronald, was indeed born without a single thread of clothing on his frail little body.

"It was shocking," said Mc Donald,

"you see, when babies are born, they're just wee little things and they need every ounce of protection we can offer. To bring one into the world without so much as a tiny frock, it just boggles the mind."

The child's parents Adrian (who is a football player at Brighton & Hove Albion) and Diane Hughes seemed puzzled by the reaction of the hospital staff.

The Hughes's, for whom this is their first child, were under the impression that all babies were born naked.

"I thought that was where the term birthday suit' came from," said Adrian. Dr. McTut soon disabused them of this notion.

"That might be the way things go in swinging towns like Brighton," said McTut, "but up here, we still have a sense of modesty and morals. Nudity is not something to be proud of, and the body is not to be flaunted about in this crass way."

When asked how they might have avoided this embarrassing state of affairs, the Hughes's were referred to Miss Mac Tavish, a legend in this part of Scotland. Miss Mac Tavish is one of the few prenatal seamstresses left in Britain.

Hers is an ancient art practiced by hyper-modest cultures around the world. Because of the rigors of Inverness's winters, and the traditional values held by people in the highlands, Miss Mac Tavish has thrived.

"Business is good," said Mac Tavish, "but not as good as it used to be. Lots of people are now travelling down to Glasgow, or even London, to have their babies these days. I can't say why but if you find out, let me know, as it is bad for my business."

Mac Tavish was unwilling to explain how she is able to dress children in their mother's wombs, but rumours abound of witchcraft being employed.

Dr. Mc Tut doesn't much care how it is done, but begs families to spare their children the embarrassment of a naked birth.

"They say you only get one chance to make a first impression," pointed out Mc Tut, "and for this little guy, the impression was not good."

PM: Wednesday, 16th November 2011

Dear Diary,

Great news, Wills is buggering orf to the Falklands for six weeks which means Harry and I will be able to get it on day and night. God, I just cannot wait to feel his length pounding away inside me bringing me off day and night...must nip down to Primart for some new sexy undercrackers!

Wednesday 16th November 2011

Oh my God! I have just been 'glued' to the television. I accidentally clicked onto The Jeremy Kyle show. Jesus..where the hell does he find these 'knobs'?

from Soon-to-be-Queen of England.

Breaking News this evening, is that David Cameron accidentally climbed into bed with a pig not realising that it wasn’t his wife. The lights in Number 10s master bedroom are usually switched off by the time he goes to bed at 9.40.

Some grunting and squealing noises were heard by MI5 agents in the building, but they are used to hearing that.

One agent who refused to be named said he thought he heard the premier make a comment about his wife's nipples. This would have been appropriate as pigs have multiple sets of nipples in two lines up and down their front, unlike Mrs Cameron who of course has well developed udders.

The pig was unavailable for comment. Neither was the premier’s wife.

Dear Ed,

Is your name really Ed?

Or is it something like Tim, or Terence?
If that's the case, then why don't people write letters to Tim, or Terence? I've never been able to comprehend that - despite having a loud and rather authoritarian voice.

It's one of those things which have dogged me from early childhood, when I inadvertently witnessed the master of the house, performing an act of exquisite strangeness with a gerbil in the warm glow of a roaring log fire. On a furry hearth rug.

So, then, is it Tim or Terence? Own up or be damned man!

Y'arse

Justin Landlover

Godalming

*

Dear Sir,

I have just heard on my local radio today, that a young six year old boy had been assaulted on a bus by a middle aged man. And apparently, the Old Bill is actively looking for witnesses.

If I may be so bold as to suggest - the local constabulary should concentrate their efforts on finding a six year old gobshite. With a bottle blonde chav of a mama, whose ample girth by far exceeds the capacity of her lycra trousers.

And some bloke who's finally just got pissed off and lost his rag.

Harvey Adnams

Maidstone.

*

Dear Fred

Have these people got nothing better to do than regale you with their own pathetic views on life? Bloody social security scroungers and ASBO subjects. If you ask me, these wasters would be better employed constructing coastal defences, or working on weapons of mass destruction or something.

The bloody chattering classes have always been the same.

Clueless, misguided, and reliant on the system to hold their noses above the diuretic waters which threaten to engulf us all.

They're all scum! Scum I say! They should be taken out, horse whipped, boiled in oil, stretched out on a rack, put in the stocks, hanged drawn and quartered, and then burnt at the bloody stake. Ooh!

They make my blood boil!

Lt Col T Percy

Oxford

*

Col - I'm not called Fred, or Tim, Trev, or Kevin. You sound like an angry man.

The thing is, that if you don't want to shore up the top heavy welfare system, then why not do what I do?
Stop paying taxes.

It's easy - just make frequent trips abroad and smuggle tobacco, claiming the dole while you're at it. It works for me. Only last week I bought a new transit van out of the proceeds. I've heard that if you smuggle drugs or guns, the rewards are even greater. Fuck Theresa May and the horse she rode in on.

Tel (The Editor.)

*

Dear Ed,

What a con these accident claim companies are. I contacted one after breaking my hand punching a Millwall fan in the head and they just didn't want to know.

It seems there's one law for the rich, and another for football hooligans. Bastards.

Tom Gullthorpe,

Leeds.

*

Dear Ed

Re tobacco smuggling.

It's all well and good you glamorising tobacco smuggling, but that's all pretty small time compared to smuggling heroin from Thailand, where the rewards are much greater.

Mind you, it doesn't always have a happy ending. I got caught and handed a life sentence. Now I'm just about everybody in the prison's bitch, and my life is a living hell. Still, you can't complain.

Geordie Barker

Bangkok.

*

Dear Editor,

These back street cosmetic surgeons are a bloody disgrace. My wife went to have her arse enhanced for £49.99 including VAT at some flat in Hackney, and subsequent tests have shown that the so- called 'surgeon' injected a gallon of axle grease into her arse, and somehow sewed a cuckoo clock into her left buttock.

She now faces years of corrective surgery to repair the damage. If I don't get my £49.99 back, there'll be fucking trouble, I can tell you.

Robin Smith,

Redhill.

*

Sir,

I personally don't give a toss about the Greek debt crisis, but if they think they're getting the Elgin Marbles back they can go and fucking whistle. We nicked them fair and square and they're ours.

Vic Chandler

Peterborough.

*

Sir

It seems to me that squatters get pretty bad press these days, but I'd like to point out that they aren't all bad. I've got one sharing my loft with a snow leopard and a colony of fruit bats that I adopted, and he's lovely.

He's as quiet as a mouse, and he keeps the snow leopard and the fruit bats happy by stroking them and teaching them how to do Frank Spencer impressions. Only problem is that he hogs the gravy boat of a Sunday teatime - but nobody's perfect!

Timothy Small

Hastings.

*

Dear Ed,

I just don't get why these protestors are squatting outside Saint Pauls Cathedral. I know it's a beautiful building and all that, and an iconic feature of our national heritage, but the point is that it's a church, and to be honest, there's not a lot going on.

Surely they'd have had more fun occupying Madame Tussaud's or the Brent Cross Shopping Centre.

Ted Hooper,

Selby.

*

When I was studying medicine one of my tutors Professor Rogers, of Millbank College, London,
was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to all us 1st year medical students.

It was certainly not an exciting subject and the professor decided to try and lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young female student in the front row and asked,

"Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She promptly replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

United Kingdom: London – DSS has learned that fundamentalist religious stink tanks are demanding that the Government caves in to their demands this weekend and replaces the traditional Remembrance Day red poppy with the more politically correct Papaver Somniferum Album.

Which is the white-coloured poppy preferred by budding Taliban entrepreneurs worldwide.

The move comes amid further calls for British Forces to return home from their tour of duty in Afghanistan where the white poppy is endemic.

But campaigners in London are warning that promoting the white poppy as an alternative to the traditional red will only lead to disaster among the Non-Aligned Opium Barons Movement which has already had enough western financial sponsorship for its agricultural pursuits.

The debate continues.

Recent research published today states that being alive can increase the risk of developing cancer, an Irish led research project announced today.

The study of over 5 billion people worldwide carried out over the last 25 years, and costing £7bn found that being alive dramatically increases the risk of cancer.

Active cells duplicate and recycle, which has been found to be the number one cause for both the malignant and benign forms of cancer, far in advance of other previously attributed causes, the research revealed.

"I think these findings put to bed the debates about smoking, alcohol abuse and having been evil in a past life," said lead researcher Prof. Dr. Tomas O’Toole.

"This is definitive evidence that you can do all those things guilt free now, as long as you're dead when you do them."

Being alive had previously been thought to be highly beneficial in the fight against cancer.

Scientists unveiled the breakthrough study in the medical journal "MORBIDITY!" and it provides a major step forward in the understanding and treatment of cancers.

For the study, participants had to stay alive and see how long it took to develop a cancer. Prof. Dr. O’Toole admitted, "The findings were overwhelming; almost everyone who reported a cancer was living."

When asked about the projects astronomical budget, the professor replied, "These days with the exchange rates, it works out much less in Euros or Dollars.

People shouldn't worry; this breakthrough will save much more in the future by not wasting money that would have otherwise been used to treat dead patients.

We now know that they are in the low-risk group."

"This is only the beginning," research fellow Connor O’Brien added.

"We have begun and are planning for many more multi-billion pound projects to further assess what effect different aspects of living will have on your health.

We are currently doing research into what effect standing or sitting has on the body's cancer fighting capabilities. It's a very exciting time to be working here."

At 11am today the nation will be remembering those who were willing to lay down their lives for their country.

Many people associate Remembrance Day with heroes of D-Day or the Battle of Britain's Spitfire pilots. Some people think of the deeds of the SAS during the Falklands conflict or, of course, Flanders Fields from World War I, carpeted in poppies growing where so many men lost their lives. But in the last few years it's also been about the nation showing its support for the soldiers returning injured and traumatised from current conflicts.

Unless there is an overriding emergency please join in and observe the silence for our brave Service men and women from conflicts past and present.

The results of a National Survey and Intensive Study into Internet use here in the UK, have produced shocking results; the exhaustive research results have revealed that the vast majority of internet users only use the facility to access internet pornography.

It appears that in this enlightened day and age, the casual observer would rather watch somebody else having it off than actually take the time and trouble to do it themselves.

"It's just too much hassle," one subscriber said. "I can't be arsed with all this getting down and dirty with a woman. What's the point?

You can just do it virtually - and it doesn't involve sweating, nagging, or pies. These days I just watch other people doing it and it saves on all the hassle afterwards. Including bagging and labelling the swarf."

Feminists reacted angrily to the claims by sexist males with claims that most males are insecure about - and obsessed by - their penile dimensions.

"They all go mad about that," one said. "But the truth is that it's only the bottom inch that counts - because that's how a lady gets her fancy tickled.

It's all about clitoral stimulation. But most blokes are utterly clueless and wouldn't recognise a clitoris if it jumped off a bus and head butted them in the face."

Local man, Francis French, told reporters that sex isn't really such a big deal, providing it's done correctly.

His long suffering wife, Annien, differed somewhat with the populist view, saying that Frenchy may well have a big dick, but it'll never provide him with an income, because he has no idea how to use it.

Long suffering wife, Annien said:

"Ignore the barmy bastard. He's taking the piss again."

*Editor Comment:

"Call me old fashioned then!"

This morning saw the launch of Fatbook, the new social network site specially designed for the clinically obese, overeaters and the world's general fast-food addicts.

Jane Pudding, a 31 stone professional eater from Bradford had the idea when she was trying to get out through the door of her local kebab shop with 3 kilos of lamb in pitta for her early evening snack.

She felt that there should be a web site where the fatties of the world could unite to discuss food, food, food and even, on the odd occasions when they weren't too busy, food, without fear of the dreaded 4-letter word ever being mentioned ("diet", in case you're wondering).

Featuring only advertisements from fast food companies, the site is very similar to existing social networks, except with more calories but much less typing to avoid any potential loss of weight through exercising the fingers.

Users are encouraged to share ideas and thoughts as to how best get more food down the throat with least effort.

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired"

"I'm 76 and Tired" Worth reading.....(NOW 83)

This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,

The UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand and

To all the world...

"I'm 76 and I'm Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National

Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some some serious

Health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly

40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my

Income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as

Though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who

Don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take

The money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy

To earn it.

I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I

Can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and

Daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight

Offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't

"believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning

Teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the

Genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and

Shari'a law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let

Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques

And madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand ,

UK, America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to

Fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other

Arab country to teach love and tolerance..

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global

Warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help

Support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ

Rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses

Or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all

Parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful

Mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting

Caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and Actions.

I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination

Or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and

Early 20's be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making

Themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because, mostly, I'm not

Going to have to see the world these people are making.

I'm just sorry for

My granddaughter and her children.

Thank God I'm on the way out and not

On the way in.

Dame Vera was born on March 20, 1917 and the old girl is now 94 years young. The Royal British Legion recently held a right old knees-up for the woman who made the Second World War just that little bit more bearable.

For the woman many believed long dead, the occasion was an opportunity to reminisce with friends about those golden years when nations were kicking the shit out of one another.

The singer of such classics as "We'll meet again", "The White Cliffs of Dover" and "I've Got a Sausage Just for You My Love", Dame Vera brought joy to millions at a time when a virulent insanity had infected the world.

Billy Warburton, wartime soldier and guest at the party told the DSS:

"I think Vera set many a man's heart aflutter with her singing. It wasn't just the words, it was her voice. Very moving. I can tell you, I went through many a tissue listening to her. No doubt other soldiers did too."

But despite the title "Forces' Sweetheart", Dame Vera was in no way a wartime slapper.

"Those were more innocent times," said Billy. "You wouldn't have caught Vera running around in next to nothing like these modern singers.

I see them on television in their knickers and bras, covered in oil and rubbing each other up and down, bending over and flashing their particulars, and I don't know where to look."

The DSS says, "God Bless you, ma'am!"

Magistrates at Harrogate Magistrates Court, North Yorkshire have found Yorkshire wife Bronny Francis guilty of serving her husband an Indian meal composed of excrement.

But instead of sending the evil woman to Jail, a silly female Magistrate admonished and released her.

Mrs Francis claimed that for years she had suffered abuse at the hands of her husband Timothy, including leaving the toilet seat up, hiding the Sky TV remote and on one occasion not replacing the cap on the toothpaste.

This had driven her nuts, said her defence advocate, Mr William Armitage, and she decided to get revenge. She therefore cooked up a curry for her husband and garnished it with her own faeces.

After her husband started to eat it, Mrs Francis apparently began laughing at him.

Mr. Armitage, said it was just like an episode of Desperate Housewives.

Head Magistrate Mrs Abby Duckworth chuckled at the evidence and at one point stopped Mrs Francis to ask her for her recipe.

At the end of the case, she told Mrs Francis:

"Although you are guilty, I am admonishing you, so you are free to go home."

Asked what she would be cooking next for her husband, Mrs Francis told reporters:

"A loc na mhuice con Carnie."

Loc na mhuice is the Irish Gaelic phrase for "Pig Shit" apparently.

During a week when many of us recall those lost or maimed and those left behind I stumbled across this light hearted story.

A British patrol was just north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing homosexual halt wit.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

USA – LA - Bob Dylan who turned 70 this year, has confirmed that he and Music Tel Boy will be going into the recording studio to redo a recording of his hit record "Lay Lady Lay."

Dylan first recorded the song back in 1969, and it made it all the way to No 7, on the Top 40 music chart. Oddly enough the song did hit the very top of the charts in Indonesia, Portugal, and Harrogate Hospital Radio.

In fact, Dylan was actually given the keys to Harrogate, the wannabe capital of Yorkshire. And as is the custom in the Yorkshire County that is bordered by Lancashire, County Durham, Cumbria, Greater Manchester, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire and Lincolnshire, Bob was presented with two Romney Sheep, a Tyke Shire Horse and a 19-year-old virgin.

Dylan would later write in his book “The Question and The Answer Are Blowing in The Wind” that he accepted the Sheep, and the Shire, but he returned the 19-year-old virgin to her rightful parents.

And although they were somewhat offended at first they were glad that their daughter would not have to leave their country and move to America.

Tel Boy and Bob met for the first time at this year's Grammy Award Show. Young Tel Boy told him that his hit song "Lay Lady Lay" was his all-time favourite song.

After talking for a while the two decided to get together and go on a tour starting in March 2012. The two will perform in 94 cities throughout the UK, U.S., Canada, and Mexico on a tour being hailed as “The Poet and The Performer, Springtime Concert Tour.”

Music Tel Boy informed “Life Magazine” that their concert in Cancun, Mexico will take place in The Mrs. Pancho Villa Commemorative Domed Bullring which is the only domed bullring in the entire world.

He stated that he and Bobby (Dylan) will be performing after the bullfight which is being billed in Cancun as the opening act.

After Tel Boy and Bob end their 94-city concert tour they will go into the Biddenden Recording Studio (Bloomsburys) in Kent to record a new remixed version of Dylan's "Lay Lady Lay" which will be re-titled, "Lay That Lady."

A research fellow from Oxford University was conducting a survey into sheep shagging.

His fist site visit was to a Wiltshire Farmer.

"So, Wiltshire farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replied the researcher and he leaves the Wiltshire farmer and makes his way west to mid Wales.

He then meets a Welsh Farmer.

"So, Welsh farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Wiltshire too." And he leaves the Welsh farmer and heads north east to the North Yorkshire Moors.

He then meets up with a Yorkshire farmer.

"So, Yorkshire farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replied the researcher "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" said the farmer.

"And miss out on all the kissing?!"

Cranbrook – Kent – DSS Breaking News:

People in Yorkshire, noted for being stingy if not a tad mean, today are waking up to the fact that Sterling has been replaced with Monopoly Money as legal tender.

Monopoly money, produced by Mr Jeremiah Osborne, brother of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne and now the new richest man in the history of the world - last night helped to distribute the new money into bank machines across Yorkshire.

Stingy ass Yorkshire folk will be given a week to exchange the money that they have hidden behind wardrobes, under their beds, and under their floor boards for this new tender.

It is thought that this will give a GBP £300 Trillion lift to the economy.

Kent based Glam Rock Superstar Music Tel Boy, is the latest musician to find himself in the sites of a litigious music fan - and all because of recent torrential rain.

Tel, 44, shot to fame in the 1990's with solo covers of hits like Wonderful Life and Baby can I Hold You, Metal Guru, Ballroom Blitz, Slave to Love and as the singer with good-time Glam rockers Tight Head whose hits included Get It On England, Christmas Bop and Do you Think I’m Sexy.

But he is about to find himself in court answering a case brought by Mr Timothy Literal-Gitt, of Heath, near Wakefield, West Yorkshire.

Timothy explained: "I had to go down the shops this morning to pick up a few bits and pieces. It was absolutely chucking it down - stair-rods, it was.

"So I put on my old raincoat and set off for the supermarket. But I hadn't got halfway there before I was absolutely soaked - the raincoat was letting water through everywhere!

"According to an album I've got by Music Tel Boy, An Old Raincoat Won't Ever Let You Down and I believed him!

"Well, it's clearly not the case and I intend to take Tel Boy to court for the cost of dry cleaning the clothes that were very nearly ruined by my old raincoat letting me down."

Timothy was in the news earlier this year when he announced he was to sue US singer/songwriter Paul Simon for inaccuracies in songs such as 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover and The Only Living Boy In New York.

Daisy Pillock, 43, of Hastings, East Sussex, was left dumbstruck when she came home from a day prostituting herself down by the Old Town and found her husband, Henry Pillock, 44, standing on the step holding his knob and sobbing loudly.

"He said it had fallen of and he didn't know what to do", she said, "I wouldn't mind but we had no blimmin' way of getting inside the house and me fanny was aching from a hard slog".

Henry claimed that the door knob just broke off in his hand. Daisy thinks he's talking a load of bollox.

"That's shite. He's forever playing with that bleedin' door, night and day. I warned him, I did.

I sez to him: Henry, you pillock, one of these days it'll come right off in your hand", she told us and some nosy neighbours.

They spent the night in the shed. Daisy, after watching the news about the Somalia Famine on the telly the other night, considered writing to America for assistance but then remembered that she left her pen and paper inside on the kitchen table - and besides, she is illiterate.

The council has told us they'll be down on Monday to put in a Yale lock on the Pillock's door.

They refused to say which Monday that will be or whether the US University has given permission for Hastings Town Council to borrow it's door locks.

Local man, Timothy Flowers caused a bit of a domestic hoo-hah last night when he flatly refused to go to bed because he feared he would be abducted and anally probed by aliens from a distant planet.

Wife, Bronwyn, tried to calm Flowers down by explaining that his previous experience of alien abduction and anal probing was simply a bad dream, but Flowers was having none of it.

"They're not sticking probes up MY arse!" he reportedly told his wife.

In desperation, Mrs Flowers made an emergency call to “Alien Probes UK”, and a counsellor was despatched to the Flowers rural retreat.

The counsellor, a hippy type wearing corduroy trousers, moccasins, and a floral patterned silk shirt patiently explained to Timothy that aliens were not remotely interested in probing his arse hole.

"Homer Simpson got anally probed!" Flowers protested. "And if it can happen to a Hollywood megastar it can happen to anybody!"

"Homer Simpson is not a real person," the counsellor explained with admirable restraint.

"What, of course he is!" Flowers argued. "I've seen him on TV, he works at the nuclear power plant and drinks Duff beer at the bar!"

"Listen Tim," the counsellor told an increasingly agitated Flowers.
"Homer isn't real, and neither are alien abductions and anal probing.

It's been a long day. You need to get some rest."

At which point, Mrs Flowers emerged from the kitchen muttering expletives under her breath and whacked her husband over the head with a Shillelagh, rendering him instantly unconscious.

She then asked the hippy counsellor to let himself out, hauled her husband over her shoulder and carried him upstairs to bed.

There were no further reports of anal probing by aliens.

A Fun Glam Rock Singer entertaining in a Hawkhurst Pub, Kent, was arrested and jailed overnight after singing "I'm Not In Love" in front of a newly married couple.

Tel Boy, who sings two nights a week at the Beehive pub in New Eltham, High Street, London, had just started the second verse of the 10 CC classic when police officers entered the premises and took the bemused entertainer away in handcuffs.

Area Commander Timothy Somerville explained at a packed press conference that "At approximately 22.05 hours on the evening of Monday, 31st October, 2011, Tunbridge Wells police station control room received an emergency call from a distraught young lady claiming that she and her husband of 3 days had been the subject of offensive comments uttered in a public place.

Our officers turned up at the location identified in the call and a 45 year old local man was arrested".

It’s understood that the unfortunate singer will appear at Maidstone Magistrates Court tomorrow afternoon to face charges of "conduct undermining the sanctity of marriage and uttering words that were liable to provoke a heated domestic argument".

As my old Cranbrook Rugby pal Tim knows, it's no fun turning 60.

After all it's the official beginning of "old manhood," as in, "What are you doing in the outside lane, old man?" Or worse, "What are you doing in the infant section of Lloyds Pharmacy, old man?"

But as with most things in life, there are some positives. Change can be good. Improvements have been made. For instance, the life expectancy of a British male back in 1937 was 50. If that number hadn't improved, I would be communicating with you right now from the grave. That's a frightening thought, especially when you consider the mobile roaming charges.

So I'll put the Poligrip voucher aside for a moment, and let's spread a liitle sunshine with the top 9 positives of turning 60:

1. Can't hear half the crap they're saying about you. Can't understand the other half.

2. Those WRVS hotties go crazy for younger men.

3. Can tell the same joke over and over again.

4. Qualify for the senior citizen bonus in Angry Birds.

5. Fake heart attack impersonation is now more believable.

6. The Mobility Store

7. Can recommend remedial maths for teenagers who say, "60 is the new 40."

8. Personal invites from SAGA Holidays.

9. One has reached an age when you can tell anyone how it really is!

For example:

1. Christianity was the largest religion in the world until 1953, when the Islamic faith took supremacy. Christianity is based around the word of God, and latterly his son Jesus H Christ. Islam is also based around the teaching of God, but a different version. One with a hat.

2. In popular Christian belief, Jesus was crucified on a cross and died there for our sins. But witnesses say he actually died some time later, after contracting a water-borne disease, similar to cholera.

3. The Bible (often referred to as the 'Good Book') is Christianity's guide to life. It was first published by Dorling Kindersley in 500 BC and featured artwork by several popular artists of the time. Written in a fast and loose style, the books (a series of approximately 39) contained many stories and moral tales, and was a first of it's kind to mix this with interviews with some of the main writers, such as Matthew, Mark and Luke.

The magazine format never sat well with some, however, and a new version often referred to as the New Testament, containing many less instalments, but at an inflated cover price) was written in AD 50.

4. Judaism and Christianity are basically the same thing. They both follow the same God, and both read the Old Testament (the first pressing of the Bible, see 3). But they disagree over certain facets and facts. Such as who Jesus was. Christians believe Jesus to be the divine and heavenly son of God, Jews believe he was merely an associate, possibly building the odd shelf or re-fitting the kitchen in God's house.

5. Buddhism, unlike many of it's counterparts, is a peaceful religion. The teachings guide the listener not to lie, to accept and understand all those around you, to live peacefully in your own existence and hopefully attain Nirvana, when all feelings of desire are extinguished and one is freed from the illusion of existence. Buddhists are easy to take out in a fight.

6. Not everyone believes in God. These people are called atheists. They will burn in Hell for their sins.

7. Hell is the domain of Satan. Known by many names, the Devil, Lucifer etc, Terry, as he prefers to be addressed, is not all that bad. He started his career working for God in heaven (see 8) as an angel. Known by his colleagues as Lucifer Morningstar, he became disillusioned with God's incessant singing in the shower and the hum-drum, mundane lifestyle he lead, and so decided to move on.

However, he fell from heaven, whilst packing his case, and was immediately banned from returning by his boss. He had committed an act of blasphemy, the first of it's kind in Christian law. He set up home in Hell, with it's homely fires and roasting meats, and has lived there happily since.

8. Heaven is a place where everyone knows your name. The idea of heaven is held by many religions. From Valhalla to Nirvana, Swarga Loka to Zion, Heaven is a place of peace and tranquillity. Some religions believe you gain access to heaven after you pass on, others believe it is just a place where God's live. One thing is for sure however, there will always be cold beer on tap, and the dart board will always be free.

9. God is dog spelt backwards. Scientists believe this to be a remnant from Egyptian times, when they followed several dog faced Gods. No one has ever seen a God faced dog.

10. Fact flood!! God created man in his own image, he was no Brad Pitt! The little skull cap that Jews wear was invented at a party in 1908, the wearer emptied peanuts out of a bowl and put it on his head, whilst doing a funny dance. The craze caught on from there! Buddha was not fat. He was an expert long distance runner, and always ate healthily, but bullies at his school often depicted him with a rotund belly in drawings on toilet walls.

These drawings seeped in to historic consciousness, and a fat legend was born! Praying is the third most practised thing as part of the 'before bed' ritual in the UK, after reading and masturbation and of course not necessarily in that order!

It is understood that Satan maintains he was pushed from heaven, but no witnesses, and unwillingness by his former colleagues to come forward for the stand, has stalled proceedings for some time, bogging the court case down in unnecessary litigation. The trial continues.