Sean Thomas, an unemployed milkman from Iden Green, Kent, who dialled a Phone Sex line by mistake while attempting to call the Samaritans suicide helpline, made headlines today after his attempt to kill himself didn’t quite go as planned.
The recorded transcript tells the full story.
Woman (sexily): "Hello."
Sean: "Hi. Is this the Samaritans?"
Woman (even more sexily): "I can be whatever you want for £3.99 a minute, love."
Sean: "Wh-What? You charge now? Not that it matters, as I'm not going to be around to pay the bill. What’s your name?
Woman: "Alexis…the Samaritan, the sexy Samaritan. What’s your name, gorgeous?
Sean: "Sean—with 'ean' they'll spell it right on my tombstone.
Alexis: "I'm a double A, Sean."
Alexis (giggling): "34 Double-A—my bra size. It sounds like you need some cheering up, Sean."
Sean: "Actually I called to ask what would be the quickest way to top myself."
Alexis: Top yourself? You’ve got it all wrong, Baby. "You have to top another person. Otherwise the bits don’t all line up. Would you like to top me?"
Sean: "I don’t even know you. Why would I top you?"
Alexis: Because I’m hot and sexy with long, blonde hair and a lovely, firm bottom just waiting for your throbbing manhood to explore the deep caverns of my perfectly toned body?"
Sean (sceptically): "Are you sure you’re a Samaritan?"
Alexis (sultrily): In the flesh, Sean. Deeply tanned soft flesh that I wanna rub against you."
Sean: "Well, you’re going to have to pull my head out of the oven first. No wait, that won’t work. It’s electric."
Alexis: "You don’t need to crawl in an oven to be hot, Sean. You’re so hot, it burns my fingers to touch you."
Sean: "I have some rope in the garage. I suppose I could toss it over the beam in the kitchen.
Alexis: "Rope? Oh, you’re a kinky one. Who’re you planning to use the rope on?"
Sean: Myself, you filthy slut. What sort of a question is that?"
Alexis: "Y'know what I’d like to do with that rope? I’d like to strip you naked and tie you up to the headboard of your bed. Then I’d run my hot, wet tongue all over your quivering flesh, an inch at a time, until you couldn’t stand it any longer and begged me for mercy."
Sean: "Beg for mercy? Tried it. No one's listening."
Alexis: "Then I’d slowly take off your trousers, slide your pants down your legs and cup your bum in my hands while I softly blow on your engorged cock.
Sean: "Cock? Yes, good idea. A gun’s the way to go. Why didn’t I think of that? Forget the rope."
Alexis (patiently): "All right then. No rope. I’ve always loved men who know how to handle a weapon. "Ya know why? They’re almost always loaded and capable of going off at any moment. What colour is it?
Sean: "Silver. It’s a 44 magnum."
Alexis (moaning): "Oh, a 44. A really big gun, with a thick barrel. Just thinking about it has made me so wet I just slipped off my knickers. Do you mind if I take off my top, Sean?"
Sean: "I don’t care if you can play tunes on your nipples, Alexis."
Alexis (giggling sexily): "Oh Sean, when I laugh, my girly juices drip onto the sofa. Can I stroke your weapon, darling? Can you imagine me doing that?
Sean (hesitantly): Well—so long as you don’t pull the trigger. I only have the one bullet."
Alexis: Oh, it’s so hard, Sean! And so big! Surely you can think of better things to do with it than killing yourself. Here, look how it fits so perfectly between my beautifully tanned thighs..."
Sean: "What? Stop that!"
Alexis (breathing heavy): "Too late. My love juices are all over it, Sean."
Sean: "You’re gonna jam the bloody thing."
Alexis (moaning louder): "Oh, it feels so good, Sean. Especially when it thrusts deep inside me, twisting and turning. Oh God, I think it just found my G Spot."
Sean: Stop that! Enough with the gun already! I just remembered, the cleaner comes tomorrow. I don’t want to make a mess."
Alexis: "A mess? Don’t you have any tissues?"
Sean: "I used them all up crying after the missus left me. I’m putting down the gun now."
Alexis (a bit dejected): "Are you sure? Maybe you have a knife, then? A large butcher's knife with a really big, knobbly handle. That’d be kinky, wouldn’t it? You could do me up the bum with the blunt end, if you fancy that."
Sean: "Hmm, it's nice of you to offer but I think I’ll pass. I mean, if I wasn’t about to kill myself, I’d probably take you up on that."
Alexis: Don’t worry, I won’t take it personally. Tell me darling, have you considered pills?
Sean: "Sleeping pills?"
Alexis: No, silly. Those little blue ones that make your willy hard. Don’t take the whole bottle, though. One’ll do just fine."
Sean: "Do what?"
Alexis (excited): "Mmm...see—it’s working already. Look at little Sean grow!"
Sean: "I’m sorry but he died years ago."
Alexis: "Then it's a miracle—look, I’m raising the dead!
Sean: Well okay, I do have a bit of a stiffy."
Alexis (laughing almost hysterically): "A bit of a stiffy? That’s like calling the Titanic a tug boat!"
Sean: (shy and embarrassed): "You really think so?"
Alexis: "Oh yeah. I’ve always wanted to sail the high seas. (Giggling) What if I grab your rudder and steer your big boat deep into my wet, dark harbour. How’s that sound, Sean?
Sean: "Well, ahoy shipmate!
Alexis (beginning to moan again): "Aye aye, Cap'n. You’re cruising through me like no other...a slow and steady forward motion as we both rock in time with the waves around us."
Sean: "Bugger! Now you’ve got me wanking when I should be topping myself."
Alexis: "That’s okay, Cap'n. I’ll make you walk the plank when we’re done."
Sean (with quick breaths): "On with it then, you salty slut!"
Alexis (low and urgent): "Your slow and steady forward motion turns into a quick slapping of waves against the sides of your long, hard ship. Faster now, our boat rocks on the high seas until we’re both so close, so close,
Sean. Are you close?"
Sean (stuttering): "I’m cl… very clo…
Alexis (rushed): "Permission to come on board, sir!"
Sean (grunting): Permission granted, mistress." (More grunting)
Alexis (moaning loud and long) "Ohhhhh. Oh, Sean...Oh Baby!
(several moments of silence, followed by the lighting of cigarettes)
Alexis (sighing): How do you feel now, Sean? Still blue like the sea? Don’t you feel better, Baby?"
Sean: "I can die a happy man."
Alexis (chuckling): "Okay then, that's 14 minutes of Phone Sex at £3.99 a minute, your total comes to £55.86, plus VAT."
metallic click followed by a muffled gunshot
Alexis: "Sean? Captain, are you there?"
Sean: "Damn thing jammed and then went off when I dropped it. Do you take Visa?"
Alexis: "That'll do nicely, darling."