"I thought 'I'm buggered if I'm running all this way only to have some scrote from the Cranbrook Council Estate nicking it'."
For the Full Story Click HERE
@ 2012-04-27 – 19:00:17
United Kingdom: - A man, thinking his wife had fallen asleep decided to "pull one off" while watching "The Voice" only to discover that his wife was only snoozing and in fact wanted a shag.
"I decided to have a little bit of a pull before I went to sleep," said the man. "I was watching TV and I just went for it just slowly at first, just playing with it really, then I decided I would 'whack' one out, for the hell of it.
I got caught up in the moment and before I knew it I was rubbing my nipple and hey presto..."
As luck would have it though, and after three weeks of not even a cuddle, his wife woke up and hooked her leg around the startled man.
"I had to explain that I couldn't perform as I had already "shot my load" she was very disappointed," said the man, "in fact she was fuming."
To make matters worse the man's wife asked him who he had been wanking off over?
I must have had a rush of blood to the head or something because I said Clare Balding, thinking she wouldn't feel as threatened nor as angry if I said an older larger woman (it had been Katie Price really) but it just made things worse and she called me a 'freak', amongst other things.
@ 2012-04-26 – 18:28:53
Jonathan Ross has written an e-mail to Marks & Spencer CEO Marc Bolland claiming "your underpants can't cope with my enormous knob".
The report by the BBC comes as no surprise as Ross has often been called the biggest dick on TV.
In his e-mail Ross writes "the underpants simply can not support my member, they rot away as the friction of my giant tool causes the cotton to thin."
An emergency meeting has been arranged between Marks & Spencer big wigs and Ross to sort out the problem. But it’s not just the underpants it's hats as well.
Ross writes "the dick on my head is also too big for the hats you sell.
It protrudes from the top of my cranium causing the caps to rot, as the urine dribbles react like acid on the cotton."
Ross, surely regrets writing the e-mail, not only as it shown him to have simply too much time on his hands, it has provided excellent fodder for twats like me to rip the piss out of him.
@ 2012-04-25 – 16:09:02
A recent survey of sexuality in the UK has turned up some surprising results. Over 5.5 million Brits are transsexuals. The remaining 59 million Brits still identify themselves as being either male or female. Sex experts are predicting that eventually everyone in the UK will be a transsexual.
New medical breakthroughs and a loss of societal stigma have made transsexualism very popular.
Many people have gone back and forth between male and female dozens of times. Some people change their sex more often then they change their socks.
Meagan Poppy is a well-adjusted, normal transsexual. She is married to Tim, and they both have two transsexual kids named Harry and Edward. Neither Meagan nor Tim remembers their original sex.
"I think I was a man, when I first married Tim." said Meagan.
"We were a gay couple, until Tim became a woman. Then we were straight, until I also became a woman. Then we were a lesbian couple." said Meagan. "Or maybe it was the other way around."
Meagan and Tim say it's a lot of fun changing sexes, and it brings them closer to each other.
"We understand each other so much better!" exclaimed Tim about her spouse Meagan. "Plus, we can wear each other's clothes!"
@ 2012-04-23 – 17:48:11
All British women suffering from sexual problems, a general lack of desire, or who are simply tired of their husband's inability to find their 'G' spot, can now obtain free dildos from their GP.
One of Britain's most eminent consultants, Dr Gel Doe former professor of sexual dysfunction at The Sutcliffe Hospital, in Tunbridge Wells has gone one step further and is referring his patients to a London sex shop for a helping hand in exploring their bodies or possibly an entire fist.
"Almost three quarters of all British women suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction, and vibrators are an enormous aid for women who want to get to the bottom of their problems," the charming consultant told me today.
"Don't you think that's their partner's job?" I asked.
"It's their partner's failure to do the job that's half the problem," retorted Dr Doe sharply.
"What's the other half?"
"There isn't one."
"British men are just too damn small. Most of my patients are lucky if they come at all."
A bit harsh I thought!
Although three out of four British women now own a vibrator or shop regularly for courgettes and cucumbers the use of dildos in British medical circles remains controversial.
"Vibrators are a completely new concept for us," said Dr Marjorie Duracell, a spokeswoman for the St Saphire Clinic in Staines, Middlesex.
"We're trying to educate British women about the therapeutic uses of these devices, but it's proving an uphill struggle.
Their association with sex shops and porn stars like Jordan is a tough nut to crack.
They prefer the current medical implements used for dilating vaginas, and are frightened of uncomfortable things that look like a cross between a mobile phone and a toilet brush."
Her staff nurse, Sister Mary Curettage, nodded sympathetically, and added:
"We've been showing women tiny, squiggly, pink things that do the same job and have introduced them to all the different sizes and shapes these things come in, but so far they've just not taken them up."
Although vibrators started life as a medical tool back in 1883, Dr Duracell says that the majority of her patients had never seen a vibrator until they visited Holland.
"I find their lack of knowledge utterly astonishing," she said sadly. 'British women are living in the dark ages."
Since the Government introduced the new scheme last month, US visitor numbers to London have soared by over 3,000 percent.
"It's something I never dreamed of purchasing before and I've been in England for 17 years," said Maria Lewinsky, a 32-year-old customer service manager working in a London supermarket.
"Now they're freely available from my GP, I've got three and have another one on back order."
"Back order?" I asked.
"Yeah," replied the slim brunette shyly, "it's a twelve-inch, hard plastic deluxe vibrator with a jello-lubricated botty plug.
Well there yer go!
@ 2012-04-23 – 17:28:59
The Hallmark Channel has today announced a new reality TV show will be launched in August this year. Each weekly episode will feature a well known Hollywood or small screen celebrity travelling to a different city or location and having sex with the ordinary citizens who happen to live there.
Hallmark executives were slow to warm up to the concept, but after two pilot episodes featuring Britney Spears visiting Salt Lake City and Johnny Depp on a weekend at a large shopping mall in Chicago, everyone was sure they had a hot ticket to big Autumn TV ratings.
Hallmark producers have been looking at TV viewer polls and demographics that show that the average TV viewer's biggest complaint in life is that they can only watch sexy stars on the tube. Now this is all about to change!
It is rumoured that Madonna, Matt Le Blanc, Bebe Neuwirth, Benicio Del Toro, and the Bush twins are among the celebrities scheduled to appear this winter. The locations, however, are being kept top secret to avoid pandemonium.
Hollywood is buzzing with a long list of celebrities that Hallmark has determined would NOT appear on the new show.
The list includes: Roseanne Barr, Tony Shalhoub, Harriet Miers, Whoopi Goldberg, Gwyneth Paltrow, Billy Joel and Ricky Martin.
A source at Hallmark says that the celebrity and the location will be announced on air just one hour before the show just to make sure that a reasonably sized crowd of people shows up for the televised sex.
@ 2012-04-22 – 18:22:53
LA, California - The brunette Gaelic rich girl Susan Boyle, has just announced that she has finally achieved her life-long dream.
She has just signed the papers and is now the full and complete owner of her very own nudist resort!
Ms. Boyle is thrilled at the fact that she will now be able to let her hair down and just walk around totally nude and not have to worry about any paparazzi clamouring to try and photograph her naked.
Boyle said that she first found out about The Flower of Scotland Nudist Resort while surfing the Internet looking for a recipe for chocolate chip, peppermint and avocado cookies.
She read that the owners of the nudist resort Sean and Kayla Francis were wanting to sell because Kayla had developed some extremely noticeable cellulite on her thighs and ass (butt) and Sean's Chipolata (dick) had begun to atrophy from too much sun.
The Francis's who have no health insurance, medical insurance, or dental insurance will take part of the money from the sale of the nudist resort and use it towards a cellulite (cottage cheese) removal surgery for Kayla and a peter (dong) transplant for Sean.
Meanwhile Susan is reportedly ecstatic at the purchase of her new "Toy." She was asked how much she paid for her nudist resort and she refused to say.
She was asked again and said that no one knew except for her, her business manager, her solicitor, Simon Cowell and Sean and Kayla Francis.
@ 2012-04-20 – 16:40:22
Recent research published this morning in “Libido Magazine” states that People in the over 60s age group are now more sexually active than their younger counterparts.
More than 95% of those interviewed during the study confessed to having had an extramarital affair whilst they had been drawing their pensions, whilst nearly a third claimed to have taken part in a 'threesome'.
One woman, Marian Floozy, of the Frozen North West, said:
"I'm 69, but that doesn't stop me. I'm at it like a rabbit every night!"
Another, Doris Arkwright, 73, from Burnley, Lancs, choked by cigarette smoke, said:
"I get all randy about six thirty after me tea. I mention to me husband about making sure he 'doesn't leave the backdoor unlocked', and that's all he needs. That's unless it's a Sunday. We usually wait until after Songs of Praise."
Analysts claim that sex amongst the old and infirmed can be a good thing, and can even prolong life.
Dr Adam Bruffen of the “Elderly Edge Sex Institute” near Coventry, said:
"There's nothing wrong with it as long as Grandad is careful once Grandma hits the high notes!"
@ 2012-04-19 – 17:58:36
It was Susan’s 40th Birthday and so John, Susan’s husband asked her what she would like for her special birthday?
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, John arose early and made her a bowl of her favourite cereal Coco Pops and some Jam Toasties!
He then took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where John ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: to see "Puss N Boots" the latest Kiddies 2 hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms, What a fabulous adventure!
Finally Susan wobbled home with John and collapsed onto the living room sofa.
John then leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Susans eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f*cking tw*t !!!'
@ 2012-04-18 – 17:16:32
A drunken prank went too far last night when cat owner Ruby Merrell, sick of her boyfriends pestering decided to shave her pussy, right their and then in front of all his friends.
In the middle of a drunken party at her house Ruby jumped up and shouted "If you want a bald pussy, then I'll f***ing give you one!"
She started shaving there and then.
"I was shocked," one friend said:
"Ruby grabbed her pussy and just started shaving, she left a few tasteful bits of fluff, but we ended up with an almost entirely bald cat."
@ 2012-04-18 – 16:48:25
"All life is sacred and all potential life is sacred. To this end, we must take every action to protect it in any way that we can.
Therefore, we are making male masturbation a crime in the UK, punishable by six months in prison or one year in a re-hab centre specializing in a hands on approach to:
Christian living in a Modern World. You can check with itinerant evangelist Roger Carswell on this one."
A reporter called out: "Is this crime classed as a criminal offence and will a man be labelled a criminal for the rest of his life!?"
Spokesman: "No, we are not a vindictive people; it will not be a criminal offence. It will be legally recorded as a “COCKUP.”
@ 2012-04-16 – 10:48:16
All parties have long voiced their concerns over the success of reality television, which has essentially stolen the format of their flagship programme ‘Prime Minister’s Question Time’.
David Cameron, generously taking time off from shredding top secret government memos on the preparation for the invasion of Syria. Told a spellbound audience on 'Bloomberg News' that:
“we have long employed the formula of ‘people arguing in a room’, but what reality television has taught us is that if you want to win the ratings war, you can’t just rely on that.'
Expanding on the need for politics to keep pace with the nation’s fascination with reality, Mr Cameron's eyes lit up as he outlined his vision for parliamentary broadcasting.
“I think it is all too clear in today’s society that people’s attention spans will simply not stretch to a full term, or indeed, a single parliamentary session.
They don’t want to wait four or five years to vote for an eviction from the House of Commons, they want to see people being removed from office every week.”
In this new ‘reality’ set-up, people will be able to text in their votes to Channel Four and decide the fate of a different member of parliament every week.
The excitement will peak on Friday nights with an ‘Eviction Night Special’ broadcast live from Westminster.
The show will feature the week’s evicted politician being cheered or booed by crowds as they leave the Commons, and later being interviewed live on air by Sky Political Pundit Andrew Bolton, dressed in what producers have called 'fun-sized leisurewear’.
@ 2012-04-14 – 17:21:54
For the full Story CLICK HERE
@ 2012-04-11 – 17:26:17
A female suicide bomber detonated a vest filled with explosives at a Market Place in Afghan yesterday, killing more than 20 people and injuring at least 30.
This got me thinking, that if male martyrs can expect to find 72 virgin maidens in paradise when they die, what rewards can female suicide bombers expect? There Husbands?
The Quran itself describes little about the specifics of the afterlife, but it does note that believers will find huris, or maidens "of modest gaze, whom neither man nor jinni will have touched before them."
(Every believer can end up in heaven; martyrs are really lucky though, as they just get there faster.)
Respected commentator Al-Tirmidhi said in a hadith that every man will have six dozen huris in heaven, but very few commentators enumerated the rewards for women.
Ninth-century scholar Al-Tabarani did argue that women will be reunited with their husbands in the next world, and those who had multiple husbands can pick the best one to be their eternal spouse.
(Other commentators added that a woman who never married can marry any man she wants in paradise.)
From the 9th through the 12th centuries, Muslim scholars described paradise as a place of sensual delights for men. They debated whether men remained married to their wives in heaven, whether they could have sex with the virgins, and whether the heavenly virgins had anuses. (Some said there was no need for elimination in the afterlife.)
There was even disagreement on the number of virgins assigned to each man. While Al-Tirmidhi said it was 72, Mulla Ali Qari, an 11th-century imam, counted 70 virgins and two human wives.
Imam Al-Bayhaqi was more generous, granting men 500 wives, 4,000 virgins, and 8,000 previously married women.
The meaning of the word hur is also open to interpretation, since it reads as "white raisins" when translated as a Syriac rather than Arabic word.
Women may not get these particular perks, but religious commentaries argue that paradise will make them beautiful, happy, and without jealousy.
The fact that they fasted and worshipped Allah during their earthly lives will also make them superior to the virgins, who only exist in heaven. Some modern clerics argue that in heaven, husbands never grow bored of their wives, even with so many huris around.
That may explain why some would-be female suicide bombers have spoken of becoming "chief of the 72 virgins, the fairest of the fair."
Is it just me or am I missing something here?
Hello would be Muslim suicide bombers everywhere, its time to open up your minds to the plain fact that this stuff is absolute SHITE!
I mean believing in such idiotic, idiosyncratic, archaic nonsense just belittles ones intellect doesn’t it?
It’s like believing in the coming of Christ and all believers are going to rise up from their slumber and join him in perpetual joy in heaven!
Oh, please, I need a CIDER!
@ 2012-04-09 – 10:33:36
Ex Public Schoolboy and Ex-London School of Economics Tit, Trenton Oldfield, has just been released from police custody, and has twittered his unofficial reasons for stopping Saturdays Oxford v Cambridge boat race.
Trenton Oldfield successfully had the race stopped by taking an afternoon plunge and swim in the river.
Was it attempted suicide? Is he a deluded suffragette? Or did his mind temporarily cave in to the pressures of being a complete idiot of the 21st century?
In his blog Oldfield explains that he is a full time professional protester in constant search of all sorts of things to protest about.
"This protest was about anything and everything," he explained.
"It was about the possibility of a new 'London Airport' in the Thames Estuary. Then there are the Olympic Games and the Dow Chemicals scandal.
But I was also protesting about new Academy Schools. Plus the budget and the way David Cameron and Nick Clegg are destroying this country."
"Oh and the way that Manchester United beat Blackburn Rovers the other night. And the way everything is going wrong in the world. What with the price of petrol and beer."
And pub closures. The smoking ban. And the whole unadulterated mess that is Coronation Street.
"My protest was about capitalism," he stressed.
"And the Empire. Bombing all sorts of innocent people. Razing Dresden to the ground.
Winning the battle of Agincourt, and yes, public schools - with pretty boys baring their arse for other boys to flog into an oblivion of depravity."
"But above all it was about Victorian sewers. And why they buggered up the acoustics in the Albert Hall. And the ruination of the Ritz Hotel. And why Kate Middleton got to marry William? Whilst Cheryl Cole didn't?"
"These are the sort of things that got me out on the river last Saturday," he revealed.
"Because in the end, when the chips are down and we all get to think about the nitty-gritty of life amongst the masses, who the fuck gives a shit who wins the boat race - Cambridge or Oxford?"
@ 2012-04-03 – 17:55:01
After Pompey got stuffed last weekend, George Osborne announced this morning that the government is stepping in to bail out the ailing League Club.
"We believe that allowing Pompey to collapse would do both severe and lasting damage to the economy around this part of Hampshire,"
"Without the club, there would be a sudden loss of demand for beer, blue coloured clothes, tattoo parlours and bells. And what would all those Portsmouth Islanders do on the IOW?
Plus were would all the sailors on shore leave go?"
An ex RBS chief executive will take over the club", with immediate effect, who announced:
"I am delighted for this opportunity. My first priority will be to re-establish the brand, something that can't be done without first paying me a hefty bonus in line with the market expectations".
Pompey manager, Steve Cottrell, said
"This is great news for me, with government backing we can nationalise Wayne Rooney and force him to help us stave off relegation again to the league that shall not be named"
The Football League hierarchy have yet to comment.
Many inside sources expected the club to be docked points for failing to be "sexy" enough for the competition.
"We can't have these clubs full of fans who think every season in the top flight of football is a 'laugh' we only want clubs who are 'big' enough for the Premier League.
Better class clubs, like Leicester, even Leeds not these Portsmouth’s, Stokes and Burnleys," spat one source, "and don't even get me started on Hull City."
Former Pompey manager, Harry Redknapp, said
"Cor blimey, guvnor, I had that club in the back of me cab once. Salt of the earth. Nice to know my taxes are being spent on something important."
@ 2012-04-02 – 18:33:03
Speaking in the House of Commons today, David Cameron angrily stated that the RAF was to bomb the islands in the following months for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
"It's been thirty long years since the terror of the Falklands," said the PM.
"I intend to bring that terror back."
The PM maintains that since the island's only residents were a farmer, his wife, nine children, seventeen sheep, two pigs and a goat named Steven Gerard, no-one would really care if it was bombed anyway.
This isn't the first time that Mr Cameron has made a pointless military move. Maintaining troops in Afghanistan was utterly useless.
"Yes, the boys down in 'Stan was unnecessary as well. I think I've a talent for it," he says, proudly.
"Like you say, I developed a taste for unnecessary action. I loved the media attention - the un-Britishness of war, means I don't get on the news that often - and the Falklands anniversary seemed like a godsend. I snapped up the chance."
Lady Thatcher, the instigator of the original war, was advised by doctors in her ill state not to dabble in such matters, but she was insistent on commenting.
Speaking from her glass cell using a computer keyboard and a helmet with a stick on the end, the former Prime Minister said,
"I fully back David's move. He's a nice man, isn't he? Lovely pair of nipples. At this point Lady Thatcher started hallucinating.
Where's my Iron-Bru?! Bring it back! I want my Iron Bru! Oh, Norm, come to me, give me turkey sandwiches at seven!”
Mrs Thatcher then began to dribble, which tampered with the keyboard's electrical circuits.
@ 2012-04-02 – 16:32:43
"Our intelligence was good," said detective in charge, Cathy Burnside.
"The warehouse was drawing unusual power, locals had seen dodgy looking characters coming and going at all hours, and there was a constant supply of pizza to the place."
All the signs pointed to the warehouse being an illegal marijuana farm. The police raided in the early hours of the morning.
"At first we thought we'd hit the jackpot," said Burnside.
"There were sunlamps on all over the warehouse and racks and racks of irrigation pods with plenty of greenery growing there."
Having failed to take a botanist along with them, the crack team of detectives arrested all three people in the warehouse and confiscated all one thousand plants.
Three trucks were required to take all of the equipment and plants away.
"It wasn't until we had the miscreants in our interrogation rooms, and DC Munchies looking at the plants that we realised our mistake," said Burnside.
"None of the plants were marijuana, hemp, skunk or anything."
Every single last plant was a chilli pepper plant.
"There were a range of varieties," said Burnside,
"including one that the owners claimed to be the hottest shit ever. The pizzas being delivered were for eating with the chillies, as the group enjoyed very hot pizzas."
Just to make sure that the chillies were not simply cleverly disguised marijuana, the officers at Tunbridge Wells central ate some.
"It turns out," said Burnside,
"a lot of us had a severe reaction, which has left us all rather red faced."