Head Dr

Dr. Tel,
Is it normal to be attracted to animals, or people in animal costumes? That's pretty normal, right? - Furious in Fulham.

Dear Furryious,
I'm afraid this is a grave condition that's far from normal. When you look at a cat, you should never think that its slender hips and sensual stride are somehow beckoning you near, offering you purity and innocence not found in the humans who so cruelly reject you. If you were a respected practising therapist and people found out that you felt this way, you could lose your registration!

Dear Dr. Tel,
This is a kind of an embarrassing and personal problem, but I know I can trust you...sometimes, when I think of certain attractive men, I get sexually aroused. The problem is, I'm a man myself! Practically everyone in my family and my village here in Kent thinks stuff like this is disgusting and illegal, but I feel like I can't help these feelings! I try to date girls, but I end up hurting both them and myself because it's not a real relationship. How can I cure myself of this problem? - Merry in Mereworth

Dear Merry,
You are a very sick bastard. That's really the most technical doctor's term I can think of for you and your disgusting, perverted urges. Here's some advice for you: God hates you, and if you don't straighten yourself out, you're probably going to Hell soon, after you get AIDS and die. I'm very sorry, but that's just how this particular disease (which, by the way, is known as "homosexuality" or "Gay") works.

By the way, I have notified your family and most of your close friends. They need to be aware of your problem.

Hey Dr. Tel,
Sometimes I get the notion that my girlfriend is cheating on me. She occasionally goes places without telling me where, and covers it up by saying that she was just getting a haircut or something like that. Yet I haven’t noticed her hair looking much different...except for maybe a little more sluttier! What's going on, and what would be the "mentally healthiest" way to act? - Angry in Accrington

Dear Angry,
I'm afraid it's very obvious that your girlfriend has become a gigantic whore, a fast and easy girl who tries to get laid by every man around. That's the bad news.

The good news is, you have every right to be angry, and you are having a healthy reaction to a surprisingly common problem. The next step is laying down some ground rules in your relationship: Don't let your girlfriend go anywhere without you going with or giving her explicit permission. Generally, it's a good idea not to let her speak until spoken to, as this reduces the possibility for bitchy-mouth. Finally, keep compliments to the minimum, because if she has more self-esteem she's bound to start slutting it up again.

Contrary to what many people think, recovering from such an incident is possible it just takes careful actions to rebuild the trust. If you follow what I've told you, you should feel comfortable again in no time.

Dr. Tel,
I don't want to sound too suspicious, but I'm getting nervous about my boyfriend being unfaithful to me. He's out until all hours of the night, and when he comes home sometimes he has lipstick and perfume all over him! I want to be a trusting girlfriend, but it's hard when all of this keeps going on. I even found a bra in our bed the other day that wasn't mine! Please, you have to tell me what to do. - Worried in Warrington

Worried,
It's people like you who give all normal women out there a bad name. Go ahead, nag your husband and me some more we like it.

Seriously, you need a reality check. Your husband isn't doing anything, and even if he does have another girlfriend or two, he's a man. His goal is to spread his seed. Are you going to get all bitchy because he's fulfilling his evolutionary purpose?

God, you women and your periods, I swear. If only we had something so convenient to blame our bitchy behaviour on! Oh wait, we don't need to, because only you ladies are bitches.

How about this, the next time your husband comes home at 4 am, you get some sausage toasties ready for him, and you be there next to him with the waste bin, just in case he has to vomit from his alcohol intake, and you answer the phone when his lady friends call and explain that he can't talk just now, but if they leave their name and number he'll call them back, and you be thankful a man decided to date you in spite of all your stupid nagging, Christ.

Doctor Tel,
I feel like I just can't lose enough weight. I'm down to eating practically nothing a day and a lot of my friends even say they're worried about me, but I still feel fat. Is there some kind of psychological condition that might be causing this? - Lilly in Oxford

Dear Lilly,
Yes, there is a condition, but it's not psychological: it’s called "Fat Ass Syndrome" and it's a very serious physical problem that affects many potentially-pretty girls like you every day.

In a nutshell, you're feeling fat because you probably still are, no matter how much you've been dieting up to this point. I know your body is trying to stop you from becoming something most of us can actually stand to look at, but hang on: you can overcome it, and soon, you'll change into the beautiful, slim swan that I'm sure you are under all those layers of disgusting flab.