The Dead Synapses Society

The government has a secret plan to merge Cornwall with Wales into a new Celtic Principality State to be known as 'The Royal State of Kernowek-Cymru' DSS has learned.

The plan originated during 2005 as a response to the need to simplify what had become a complex system of titles for the then newlyweds, Prince Charles and Camilla Battenberg-Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, alias Windsor.

Prince Charles also has the titles Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall (except in Scotland, where he is the Duke of Rothesay), and a number of minor ones such as Earl Marshall of Bootle and the Wirral.

Mrs Battenberg-Saxe-Coburg-Gotha is also known as the Duchess of Cornwall and the Duchess of Rothesay. Although she is also entitled to be called Princess of Wales.

The plan came to light after Sir Malcolm Parish, a Clarence House spokesman, alluded to leek-flavoured clotted cream during an off-the-record chat with our national affairs correspondent at the Game Cock Inn.

After first refusing to clarify his odd allusion, and with the benefit of another five pints of Stella inside him, Sir Parish then revealed and described the plan.

He said that with all the possible permutations of titles for the royal couple it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep track.

He noted that stationery costs alone were rapidly getting out of control, as a different set was needed for every title for the royal couple individually and jointly.

However, the main problem was making sure that when either of the couple signed official correspondence the correct letterhead was used.

"Imagine, for instance, how confused a Duchy of Cornwall tenant farmer would be if he got a letter from the Duke of Rothesay telling him that henceforth he could only grow organic turnips and by the way his rent was going up," he said.

"Our Secretarial Staff has gone from just two, to twenty two!"

He said that Prince Charles has mounted a vigorous letter-writing campaign to Prime Minister Cameron and his Cabinet extolling the virtues of merging Cornwall and Wales in the first instance, and with the Isle of Bute possibly to follow if the amalgamation were successful.

Mr Cameron, he said, had finally agreed on the grounds that he had more pressing things to do other than reading the incessant stream of princely correspondence.

The combined Cornish and Wales Principality would be called ‘The Royal State of Kernowek-Cymru’ and the Isle of Bute where Rothesay is located, will also be declared a principality pending its possible full merger into Kernowek-Cymru.

The seat of government will be at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Sir Parish said.

“Prince Charles and his good wife will take the titles Prince and Princess of The Royal State of Kernowek-Cymru and Rothesay and abandon all others”.

In an amazing shock move, which is sure to be regarded as a rather radical step.

Glasgow Rangers are set to merge with the English Premier League side Everton FC.

Glasgow Rangers, are currently deeply embroiled in a Major Financial Investigation (MFI), which has resulted in a criminal investigation launched today by Strathclyde Police into Craig Whyte's takeover of the club last May.

Mr Whyte bought Rangers for £1 in 2011 before they went into administration in February this year.

But all this is 'detail', and the real news is that EFC, with their distinctive royal blue-and-white strip, have offered the Scots a 'Get Out Of Jail Free Card', and a more lucrative move down south.

The Centurion Top flight Premier League club would be known as Everton Park Rangers FC, or EPR FC. And it's thought that the changeover could be enacted with a minimum of fuss due to the fact that the clubs strips are similar and the fact that Everton have a well established history with the Scottish Club.

Sources at Rangers are thought to have signed a deal in secret last night, which will mean they can escape their crisis in the stroke of a pen.

Although I'm not a financial expert, so I can't be sure of that.

London: Sir Rolf the Jake the Peg three-legged entertainer and world renowned artist, has been taken to the Tower of London and summarily beheaded under the terms of a hastily arranged Royal Warrant issued by an enraged Queen Elizabeth.

The execution followed the unveiling of Rolf’s Diamond Jubilee portrait of Her Majesty, at which, according to an anonymous Palace insider, the Queen screamed

"Mine Gott in Himmel, what is it? It makes me look like I've got a bloody skin infection."

"I'm not making any claims that this is the greatest painting in the world," said Sir Rolf as he was escorted to the Tower by two Beefeaters.

"I've done the best I can."

This is not the first occasion in recent times that an artist has faced royal displeasure, although it is the first that has led to the ultimate penalty.

Prince Philip was arrested 2 years ago, after trying to shoot an artist who had portrayed him as bare-chested, with a large nose, and with cress growing out of one finger.

It is understood that Sir Rolf’s last words were

"Tie me kangaroo down, sport", and that he met his end bravely after being allowed to do a quick sketch of the executioner.

Both his head and extra leg are to be displayed on Tower Bridge as a warning to others not to mess about with members of The Family!

America: Red Hot Sexy Columbian singing star Shakira has trimmed her bush after admitting that her pussy was becoming entangled and hard to control.

"I have always prided myself on my trim bush" gushed the sexy singer and actress who has taken Hollywood by storm.

"Unfortunately I have let it go recently, what with filming and TV appearances, so it needed a good trim."

The singer also admits that her cat, Wiggy, has had trouble with her bush.

"Wiggy likes to attack my bush and play inside it, but because it has become so unkempt recently she has been getting entangled on its branches."

Shakira's bush separates her home in Hollywood from neighbour's Brad Pit and Angelina Jolie.

"I would hate for Brad Pitt's giant cockerel to get anywhere near my bush" said Shakira.

"I therefore trimmed it as a deterrent, and in keeping with the neighbourhood.

Everyone around here seems to trim their bush, apart from Sophie Monk."

Pornography often gets bad publicity, but it is the insatiable desire of the British public for sexually-explicit entertainment that creates many of the technical innovations the world relies on.

Why, if it were not for pornography, DVD Players would be the size of bedroom refrigerators, and sell for £1,000 each.

Early-adopters purchased expensive first-generation video cassette recorders just to watch porn at home.

The revenue generated by the sale of those primitive machines allowed electronics manufacturers to do further research and development. This RandD in turn led to better, more compact videocassette technologies.

Today’s miraculous DVD Blue Ray video technology is becoming a standard because of its innovative use in the pornography field.

Multiple angles, Scene selection, Chapter-by-chapter indexing? All thanks to porn, my friends.

Even the Internet, the magical network that connects computers all over the world, wouldn’t be what it is today if not for the hard work of sexually frustrated programmers, desperate to find a way to trade grainy .gif files of naked women.

Next time you send an e-mail to your old Nan, remember to thank your lucky stars for pornography!

It's the device that consumers worldwide have been waiting for - a mobile phone made by The Dead Synapses Society - and it will be in shops as soon as next year.

The phone will look like any other modern mobile phone-like device, but will be marked prominently with The DSS's logo on it's front, back and sides.

It will contain all the usual applications that phones have, including a web browser that will redirect the user to articles on The Dead Synapses Society, that are similar or vaguely related to what the user is attempting to look for.

The phone will be able to make calls, of course, and before each phone call the user will have the option of listening to a random article from The Dead Synapses Society narrated by its writer.

DSS website owner Tel, explained how he came up with the idea. "The DSS website has a tremendous synergy with the mobile space.

It's really what users have been trending towards, and we feel there is an opportunity to present ourselves mobilistically in that direction."

He added that other websites were doing the same thing.

AuctionMyStuff.com is introducing a phone with a built-in auctioning app.

HumungousBazookas.com is releasing a tablet in the shape of a mammary gland.

Even Literary.com is releasing a book phone-book, made up of printed-out internet web pages of pages from books.

The DSS phone will be sold for free and will make money from voluntary donations from users.

Tel said that “users will be so delighted at the high quality of The DSS articles that they will need no encouragement to throw their money at it.”

Wales: Ehangwen Treharne, the famous 44 year old security guard from Conway in North Wales has lost his record holding miniature penis.

The penis which has always been too small to accurately measure but has been credited with a consolatory 0.001 of an inch, has vanished out of thin air.

Mr Treharne, who also has an impressive collection of Common Woodlice (Oniscus asellus), woke up this morning to discover his penis had gone.

But where to? And who with? And why?

"You tell me", said the disconsolate Ehangwen this PM as he paid £1.50 to have his 'Lost Penis' advert pinned-up outside a local newsagents.

"I'm offering a £15 reward to anyone who finds my penis or provides the vital clue that eventually leads me to its discovery", he revealed.

Welsh police have issued an all-penis alert and all major ports, airfields and rail stations have been supplied with a recent photograph of the penis - so there is only the smallest chance (0.001%) of it getting out of the country.

Should Mr Treharne 's penis not be recovered, the record for the world's smallest penis will pass to Wing Commander Timothy Francis, a Falklands War veteran from Herefordshire, whose tiny penis is just visible to the naked eye but has never been previously measured.

He will travel down to London and visit Mayfair’s Penis Club on Thursday to go through the formalities with the Weights and Measures Committee.

After signing the register and having his penis officially photographed Francis will attend a thanksgiving service at St Paul’s Cathedral, followed by the Annual Penis Awards lunch at Mansion House where he will be the surprise guest!

London, City Airport - (Associated Mess): At 11am this morning Jedwood where been arrested under the Dangerous and/or Offensive Hairdos Act 2008.

A Metropolitan police patrol car noticed suspicious antenna-like protrusions on the Twin's heads and allegedly mistook them for signs of demonic possession - a clear contravention of the 2008 Act.

The twins were taken into custody and searched for illegal substances.

And while initial findings of a potentially toxic white substance made the Met Drugs Unit confident of charging John and Edward with an array of drug offences.

Subsequent chemical analysis showed a case of nothing more sinister than serious dandruff issues.

United Kingdom – Oxford – A Scientific report released today by UK Scientists contains startling new information in reference to orange juice and the common cold.

Experiments conducted by Oxford University Influenza and Common Cold Division, of the Centre for Disease Control, reveals that people who drink orange juice and then kiss someone during the first three days after the person they are kissing caught a cold will catch a cold themselves.

The scientists are warning people not to drink orange juice if they are going to kiss someone with a cold unless the orange juice is laced with vodka to kill the cold germs.

Another team of scientists strongly disagrees with the results of these experiments and have warned people to use Gin instead of Vodka in their juice.

Newquay - England - A Great White Shark has suffered emotional distress and a blunt force trauma to the spiracle.

After being attacked by a surfer off the coast of the UK,
despite attempts from other marine life to stop the attack.

'I was just going about my business in my own hood' stated the shark, who wishes to remain anonymous, while being comforted by the emergency services.

'It was horrendous, you always read about this sort of thing happening to others and you never think that it would happen to you.

I am seriously considering pressing charges as I was in my own home when he came bursting in to the sea with his 7 foot long plank, thrashing around.

It hit me on the head, what was I supposed to do but try and protect myself?

It was self defence, honest.'

Millions of homosexuals around the world are furious after a new law passed through the House of Lords today, that forbids gays and lesbians from owning certain types of pets - mainly donkeys, dogs and in some cases attractive cats.

A spokesman for the Government said

"We feel we need to protect animals from gays who may be tempted to indulge in sex with their pets.

Obviously this is a precautionary measure but we feel that, for the safety of the creatures, they should be taken from gay owners."

Gays are absolutely furious.

"Why the hell do I have to give up my Ass, I mean my donkey?" said Theo Rogers.

"I have never been tempted to 'touch it' - this is just crazy!"

Local Authorities will now work with the RSPCA on a National Programme to confiscate poodles, donkeys and attractive cats later next week - the animals will be destroyed for their own good.

"This is madness" cried one gay man!

Yes it is....yes it is.

Scotland-Inverness — A Coastal freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra heading for Inverness struck a submerged rock outcrop and sank in Loch Ness today.

As a result, the once-frigid loch no longer dangles down towards Fort Augustus and Fort William, but now spans majestically across towards Ullapool.

According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship's contents dissolved the loch slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Gairloch.

Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Loch Monar.

Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Loch Ness was "like an entirely new Loch, teaming with life."

"For so many years that Loch just, you know, sat there, with periodic made up stories about sighting the mythical monster"
said Zoe McDonald.

"To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn't much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever."

Government officials, however, were more cautious.

Leader of the Scottish Parliament First Minister Alec Hammond, declared a state of emergency, while in Dunoon Alan Reid, Liberal Democrat MP for Argyll and Bute, said

"Is Loch Ness a threat, or is it just glad to see me?"

Following last week's barmy decision by a District Judge in Wales, that a man who masturbated with a Tricycle in a hotel room was guilty of sexual breach of the peace.

Another District Judge in Wales has found an Englishman guilty of the same offence for having sex with his wife in the privacy of his own hotel room.

Mr. Anthony Allen, 50, was celebrating his silver wedding anniversary with his wife, Yvonne, by driving up to Wales and spending a weekend by the Great Orme, Llandudno.

However, Mr. Smith said that their stay at the Groes Inn Hotel was a nightmare.

"There wasn't anything on the menu that we fancied only a dish called “cawl and lobsgows” and the local residents played their harps, Pibgorn and Crwth into the night.

On the second day, we decided to have a lie-in, and got friendly.

Despite a “Do Not Disturb” sign, the cleaners burst into the room, saw us in the act of love-making and made a citizen's arrest.

They took no action against the woman next door whose sex toy kept us awake at night."

One of the cleaners justified the intrusion by saying that the Allen’s were still in their room at 7.30am rather than climbing a mountain or going fishing, like all their other residents.

Sexual breach of the peace is a peculiarly Welsh crime which means that if anyone catches you doing something sexual, you are guilty of a crime.

Mr. Allen was given 2 years probation and put on the sex offenders' register for life, which means he loses his job as a Head Teacher.

"To add insult to injury", he lamented, "they confiscated my wife under the Proceeds of Crime Act."

Strasbourg Reuters – The French have never been shy in putting themselves "First Amongst Equals", a recent self administered study indicates that French men measured up bigger than the rest of their European counterparts, in stiff competition for Penile bragging rights!

The self administered study of 11,500 men conducted by an Austrian firm, The Institute of Latex Studies.

Put French penises at an average of 15.48 centimetres (6.09 inches), with the Turks finishing CLOSELY BEHIND , 3CM shorter.

However the remaining 25 member states of the EU claimed "foul",

Pointing out that the individual measurements were done on the "Honour" system, clearly giving the shifty French a huge advantage as ever since de Gaulle, they have been known to be willing "to stretch a point."

Meanwhile, around the globe indignation quickly mounted.

In Rotherham, England the man with "the World's largest penis", and his Public Relations spokesman, identified only by his initials, BWB, debunked the claims as being too miniscule to counter.

"They're not even in the same league with my man," BWB scoffed," if you go to a cock fight, don't bring a 6" ruler to a contest that requires a yard stick!"

The spokesman continued the challenge,

"they can come over here and lay their meat on the table....I think you'll see they'll come up at least a foot short!"

Meanwhile President Obama, whilst visiting China seemed very bemused by the French claims.

The allegedly well hung President delayed discussions about human rights, the economic crisis and Syria.

President Obama immediately made plans for another European visit to discuss the matter.

"These guys all talk allot, "he said,

"but when their pants are down they never quite seem to measure up do they!"

In the UK, Parliamentary Secretary David Cruck’s said that PM, David Cameron, "was in a blind rage and couldn't see straight!"

Cherie Blair, wife of former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair said that her personal studies also indicated the results must be skewed to favour the French.

At the Hague in Holland, efforts were underway to introduce legislation banning international cock fights, and to focus on a measure to renovate the League of Nation's Building for £4.5 000.000 rather than waste it on food and much need healthcare for the worlds starving.

London: Professor Christopher Sheasby C.B.E, Principal Director of Public Health for the United Kingdom has placed women between the ages of 28 to 49 years of age on the Departments endangered species list (ESL).

The DPH used the same logic that environmentalists used to get the Polar Bear placed on the ESL.

While the population of women in this age category has increased to an all time high, the number of female births has dropped to approximately 50% as compared to male births.

As the baby boomers retire in the future there may be a dearth of fertile women, hence producing reduced numbers of female progeny.

The DPH has mandated that the identified group of women quit their jobs, become stay at home mums and begat more female children.

David Cameron’s Press Secretary commented that the prime minister is elated about creating all those new job openings!

Norway: Oslo - At the Nordbar Institute, researchers have stumbled on an important link in helping men live longer.

There have been connections made before, but doctors at the famed Institute have finally cemented all the pieces together.
Doctor Hans Myrklebust summed it up for reporters,

"The secret to a long life is having a pet. We at the institute have been using a live specimen for all human testing.

We have found that men who get a little pussy when it's real young, live much longer than those who don't."

The Institute has taken their message globally by hiring Britney Spears to be their spokesperson and to show off her own pussy during press conferences and to advance the message of the Institute, that having a young pussy not only makes you more desirable, but it can be very rewarding too.

Men everywhere have heeded the words of Dr. Myrklebust, and have expanded their search for young pussies everywhere!

Great Britain: Cambridge — According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume six or eight alcoholic drinks a week, are much more fun to do research on than women who do not consume alcohol.

Oh, and the report also found that women who have a few drinks each week are less likely to develop high blood pressure.

The report, published in the Journal of Internal Medicine, studied drinking patterns and blood pressure among 70,000 UK nurses between the ages of 25 and 42.

Dr. Stuart Wicked, who headed the study for Cambridge School of Public Health, put the findings in perspective.

"Alcohol, 70,000 nurses, and us," he said. "Is that cool or what?"

Wicked and his colleagues, Dr. Andy Smith and Dr. Alan Palava conceded their initial grant was to study salt consumption.

However, upon reflection, the trio decided that adjusting the parameters would dramatically heighten their interest in the research.
Explained Palava:

“What it came down to was, did we want to say, 'Here young lady, have some salt and let's see what happens,' or, 'Here young lady, have a drink and let's see what happens.”

"We're scientists, but we're not dead," he added.

In fact, Smith theorized there would be much more interest in studying women's health issues if alcohol were involved.

Reaction to his study seems to bear this out, as already, several leading universities say they will attempt to verify the group's findings.

At Oxford University College Hospital, epidemiologist Professor Bruce Willis said his department is very interested in testing Wicked's conclusion, that women who have more than six to eight alcoholic drinks a week decrease their risk of developing high blood pressure by 30 percent.

But more importantly, he added, his staff is "totally stoked" by the concomitant finding that these same women were also, statistically speaking, a blast.

Wicked, however, insisted their most valuable conclusion was that researchers could do variations on this type of study for years.

"We could do how alcohol affects blood pressure among female flight attendants, or how alcohol affects blood pressure among female strippers.
We are so golden."

Palava, meanwhile, said he is working on "the Holy Grail" for this area of study, a report on how drinking among young women affects drinking among young women.

"We just have to figure out some statistically significant reason for doing it," he said.

Palava bristled, however, at the suggestion that researchers should also study the effect of alcohol on young men.

"Jesus, we're not gay," he said.

United Kingdom: London — According to a recent Department of Health study, monogamists who are married to more than one spouse at a time, have a significantly greater chance of becoming polygamists than those who remain married to only one person.

"The main factor in this is seems to be simultaneity," said David Niven, a Socio-Anthropologist who authored the DH report.

"Those who have one spouse, divorce that spouse, and then take another, tend to remain monogamous.

However, those who retain one spouse and decide to marry again to have, in effect, two or more spouses have a much greater chance of becoming polygamists."

Niven said, he could not explain his findings, which were based on nearly 3,000 hours of research with a dictionary, although he theorized it could be related to diet, exercise, or perhaps even climate.

Dear Mrs. Cameron,

I need to schedule a meeting with you regarding young David.

He is an affable boy, but, unfortunately, not the "smartest lad in the year group."

Normally, this would not be a problem, but lately your son has fallen in with an older, rougher crowd and this has us worried.

This group consists of some boys named Nick, William, Liam, George, and a rather strange older boy nicknamed IDS.

These children decided to get involved in school politics.

None of them would have won on their own; instead, they convinced David to run for class president. This in itself was not a problem; actually, we were pleased by David's interest in class politics.

However, the circumstances of his campaign were somewhat odd.

Some school bullies named Gordon, Ed and Jack and several others were accused of spreading lies about David's opponent, a student named Boris.

David, while not directly smearing Boris’s name, did criticize his math skills as being 'fuzzy,' which was ironic, given David's own grades in that subject.

In the election Boris actually got more votes than David, but some friends of David's on the voting-class committee determined that David won the election.

We would have ignored all of this, except that David is acting like he actually believes that he won on his merits.

Our concern is that David is becoming too stubborn and inflexible to admit when he makes the wrong decisions, while at the same time allowing him self to be led into these decisions by this group of bullies he's become a part of.

Please call me to discuss this. We're worried that if this is allowed to continue David may get himself into some serious trouble later on in life.

I'm not saying that he'll get involved in World War III or anything (ha, ha) but then again, you never know.

Sincerely,

Head Teacher

A Liverpool family has decided to sue their local crematorium after an incorrect piece of music was played during their mother's funeral yesterday morning.

The O’Rien family had requested "Smile Though Your Heart Breaking" by Nat King Cole to see their mother off but were instead treated to "Bat out of Hell" by Meatloaf.

Terry O’Rien was understandably distraught at the error.

"My mother had always wanted Nat king Cole at her funeral. To have her committed to Gods Care to the bellowing song "Bat out of Hell" was completely inappropriate."

Reverend R. Butcher who took the service apologised for the gross error.

He explained, "The O’Rien family had requested a song by Nat King Cole, which was Track 4 from CD 1.

Unfortunately the Crematorium Assistant played Track 4 from CD 2.

It is an easy, yet unacceptable error to make. The assistant in question has been given a final warning and cautioned about future conduct."

Despite being offered a "2 for 1 funeral deal" as compensation.

The O’Rien family intend to take the case all the way to the courtroom.

"This is the perfect case for the courts" said Jan O’Rien.

"We clearly expect it to rule in our favour. My mother can only die once, and she has already been cremated so there's no chance of us having another crack at her funeral."

The O’Rien's case is likely to be heard during November this year.

Last night I was getting into bed with my woman and once I had tactfully reminded her that it was the third Friday in a month, the plucky little woman lost no time is assuming the 'position' familiar to millions of British partners who endure the unpleasantness of conjugal relations seven times a year (eight, in a leap year).

Naturally the lights were off and the curtains drawn. We're not Americans, after all.

Hey, the passion started to heat up until she eventually said,

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT?"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear:

"You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying:

"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

I attempted to revive her flagging ardour by reminding her what I had seen her doing in the bathroom with our daughter's electric toothbrush only last week, she peremptorily slapped my hand away and snapped:

"That's different. A toothbrush doesn't fall asleep afterwards or mess up my hair."

Realising that nothing was going to happen I went to sleep.

This morning I opted not to go to the gymn and then the rugby club for a beer, so that I could spend some quality time with her.

We went out for a nice lunch down by the River Medway and then went to shop at House of Fraser in Maidstone. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her that we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said,

"let's get a pair for each outfit, my angel."

We then went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was several sandwiches short of a full lunchbox.

I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a massager in the Personal Care department when she doesn't even have arthritis.

I think that I amazed her when I said, "That's fine dear. Why not buy one of those vibrating rocking horses too?"

I swear she was so excited that she was almost coming in the designer thong I'd bought her. Flushed with pre-orgasmic joy and just a teeny bit moist, she finally gushed: "I think that's all darling, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

"I don't feel like it," I repeated sweetly.

"I just want you to HOLD the stuff for a while. You're not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

When her expression had darkened sufficiently to warn me that she was about to kill me, I added smoothly:

"Why can't you love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either as I have just heard an electric toothbrush whirring in the bathroom!

The True or False TV Show on Ch 4 goes live next Saturday evening.

In this specially extended, 4-week programme, the male duo presenters were treated to 25 virgins each, at a rate of 3 per day with Sundays as a day of rest.

Said a Ch 4 TV Executive –
"I have never seen the guys so dedicated or keen. They were an inspiration and I am proud to have been associated with this crucial programme".

The True or False Team were investigating the myth,

"Let me make love to you tonight, and in just fourteen short days, your virginity will grow back and no-one will ever know".

The deflorations were specially recorded by covert cameras, as were the assurances of the male presenters that the 2-week re-growth was factual.

For anyone interested in viewing the research it is available at http//www.CantBelievelimGettingAwayWithThis.net.

The token female presenter apparently refused to participate, her hymen having been destroyed in the explosion of a homemade bouncing bomb a la Dambusters.

At the conclusion of the 4-week programme the ex-virgins were medically examined by a passing First-Aider on national television.

No hymen had gown back!

Myth Dispelled!

STOP PRESS:
The True or False Team have been challenged by London Mayor Boris Johnson to disclose where the hell in London they found 50 virgins.

Local farmer Angus McDuff claims to be the first person in the world to teach a pig to speak English.

Mr. McDuff made his claim this afternoon at his local the Blue Tartan Pub. Roddy Goodwin from Guinness was there to certify the event as a world record.

McDuff introduced his two-hundred and fifty pound boar Lucifer and announced that the pig would do a play-by-play commentary of a recorded Arsenal v Everton match on the telly to prove his vocal ability.

McDuff and Lucifer proceeded to down several pints to lubricate the machinery over a game of darts and the match began.

Lucifer had a winning start and was clearly interested in football as Everton surprisingly pulled ahead at the halfway point.

McDuff, an Arsenal fan, took exception to Lucifer calling the play from an Everton perspective causing a row to break out between the pair with much grunting, cursing and rolling around on the floor.

Once everyone pulled themselves together Guiness rep Roddy Goodwin ruled that neither Lucifer or McDuff were speaking English as required to which McDuff replied

"You canna say he's na speaking Scottish either."

Point taken Guiness reversed their decision and awarded the swine the world's record for the first pig to speak English.

Years of focussed research on the use of prayer to cure illness have finally paid off, according to a new study released by scientists at John Moore’s University Liverpool.

"For years we had been hearing the reports from around the UK about people praying for a cure to cancer, or some other disease, and having their prayers be answered by God, "said Doctor Solomon Daniels, leader of the research department.

"What puzzled us was why God only seemed to answer certain prayers. After studying the Bible, we realized that God only answered prayers that were done the right way; our group of scientists wanted to find out what way that was."

So after receiving a £2,000,000 grant from the Government in 2009, the John Moore’s University scientists went to work.

While the actual research is very complicated, Dr. Daniels put it in layman's terms.

"We infected lab mice with several diseases, and monitored them closely. We put the Bible, Koran, and other Holy Books into a computer program, which read the verses in a completely random order. Gradually, we started to see some improvement in certain mice, and we altered the program some more to monitor them.

After years of painstaking 'guess-and-test' research, we finally uncovered a method of prayer which was 99.5% effective."

While the actual results are pending both GMC and HMA approval, the researchers claimed it was just a formality.

"This prayer method works, and that's that. End of story. The official results should be released within the year," said computer technician Vivian Tosh.

Still, this didn't stop other researchers from dropping some hints on the actual prayer method.

"Well, all I can say is that the right prayer combination was indeed in the Bible, which proves the claim that Christianity is the one true religion.

Also, the 23rd Psalm isn't in it... so you might want to stop that one," commented Dr. Mathew Magdalene.

"This research proves what we have always suspected:

The cure to the great diseases of the world is found through Christ, not through medicine," said Dr. Magdalene.

"The cure for cancer has already been found; hopefully we will be able to find a different method of prayer that cures AIDS, and after that we can possibly stop earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes and even ensure that England win Euro 2012.

God is all-good and all-powerful so he can do these things... we just have to figure out the right way to ask Him."

Back in 2009 Liverpool Football Club Captain Calm Down la' Calm Down la, Gerrard was found not guilty of affray.

During the court hearing the now England Captain was cleared of unjustly attacking a man in a bar and was later applauded by fans outside the city's Crown Court.

The midfielder admitted hitting Marcus McGee, 34, in a Southport bar. CCTV footage showed that Gerrard's friend, John Doran, actually struck the first blow.

Five of Gerrard's friends who accompanied him that night admitted affray.

They were Ian Smith, 19, of Hilary Avenue, John Doran, 29, of Woodlands Road, and Paul McGrattan, 31, of Linden Drive, all Huyton, and Accrington Stanley footballers Robert Grant, 19, of Enstone Avenue, Litherland, and Ian Dunbavin, 28, of Guildford Road, Southport. Another friend, John McGrattan, 34, of Rimmer Avenue, Huyton, admitted threatening behaviour.

After the trial Gerrard showed no emotion when the jury foreman delivered the not guilty verdict after 70 minutes of deliberation.

Bargain, Job done then?

However, we now know that Gerrard was arrested early this morning in Krakow by UK detectives and escorted back to the UK.

He appeared in Manchester Magistrates Court this morning, on what the CPS called

“The worst case of Scouse gittery that it has been our misfortune to hear about”.

Recently seized CCTV footage shows Gerrard out in a Southport bar on 18th May 2012, drinking shandies and acting like some sort of self-important tough guy.

Then for no particular reason suddenly shouting ‘Liverpewl are magic, Everton are tragic!’ and throwing the contents of his shandy glass over a young woman’s head.

The girl, from Chester, then headbutted Gerrard to cheers of 'Gi's a job! Go on!' from bystanders, and the Liverpool player is seen to burst into tears.

But when it was pointed out to him that this had all been recorded on CCTV, he paid the bar manager to wipe the disc, then had himself recorded being very, very tough indeed, punching a man in a way that a 12-year old girl would laugh at.

At the court hearing, the Magistrates said that,

“Despite you pleading guilty, we have no option but to give you the heaviest sentence this court can give, which is a fate worse than death.

You will have to spend the rest of your life in the city of Liverpool, drinking shandies and acting like a big girl's blouse. Court dismissed!”

Many readers of DSS may not realise, but the founder of this blog i.e, me (i.e., the person writing this)-- is a certified doctor in Psychology! Yes Certified.

Read on below to see the results of me assisting distressed DSS readers.

Dear Dr. Tel,
I'm in a real state of confusion here! I believe I'm attracted to a woman who is too young for me, but I can't help it!

I'm a young 53-year-old bloke going on 21, but every time I see this 17 year-old woman waiting at the bus stop, I feel like a teenager again? Could it be love? - Tickled In Tenterden.

Dear Tickled,
It sounds like this woman wants to, ahem to use an expression we commonly say in Psychology circles, have a great deal of sex with you!

Showing up at the same bus stop as you every day is a common sign of romance.

Plus, it's pretty unlikely that she would need to take the same bus as you every single day. She's not fooling anyone, and the next time you see her, grab her face and shove your tongue in it as if it were a delicious jam doughnut.

You'll both be relieved that you don't have to pretend anymore!

Hi Dr Tel,

Hope you can help me out here. I have been having these spells where I feel the need to set things on fire.

Sometimes I resist them, but sometimes I have what I like to call a special "accident".

So far this week, I have had an accident with my bed-sheet, my car upholstery, and a woman who was walking past me when I left my house.

I'm a happ, healthy person, and I don't have any real stress (aside from the aforementioned woman trying to get out of my wardrobe and treat her wounds), so what could be wrong? –
Burning in London.

Dear Burning,
Yes, I believe I can help you.
You see, setting things on fire is your way of expressing yourself, like some people draw, or some people stab other people.

But society makes you feel guilty for doing this, and turns your creativity into a "problem".
Well, if I had let society make me think I had a "problem", my father would still be here today, trying to make me make my bed when I'm just going to fucking sleep in it again in ANOTHER NINE HOURS. My God!

Anyway, please continue to burn things, and you'll eventually be rewarded for using your natural gifts.
Also, make sure to soundproof the door of the wardrobe where your special creativity partner is being kept.

Hello Doctor Tel,
I have a very severe problem here that I need help with.

I keep having dreams where a man who looks a lot like my father comes into my room and hurts me at night.
I feel like this dream drives me to date men who abuse me physically and verbally, and I constantly am drawn to situations that I know will harm me.

I think that there must be some psychological reason for all of this, but I can't seem to figure it out. Can you help me? - Ms. Broken in Kettering

Dear Ms. Broken,
It's people like you who make it hard to run a serious advice column.
If you want to have your little stupid dreams analysed and talk about your smutty sex fetishes, go to a tarot card reader, or some television medium, like Derek Acorah.

Dear Dr. Tel,
I'm having trouble sticking to my diet!
What can I do? - Overweight Lardass In Wakefield

Dear Lardass,
Well, I'm not really that kind of doctor.
The good news is, I'll give you free advice anyway!

You should plan on not eating for several days at one time.
You may have heard of these famous "carb-cutting" diets, and they do have the right idea, but there is one area where they fail:

They still allow you to consume some food, and food is directly responsible for adding weight to your body.
What these fat cat doctors don't want you to know is that you can actually go for several days without eating any food and only drinking some water every now and then, and still be perfectly alive!

When you do have to eat, remember to keep your Vomiting Stick handy, which is what we doctors call the thing that you stick in your throat to make you throw your food up after you eat it.

Don't let the name fool you it doesn't always have to be a stick. Consider your finger, the handle of a long spoon, or the hand of a loved one as other devices.

The government yesterday denied that Iran and Syria where "next on the list" of countries the coalition intends to invade after it has finished in Afghanistan.

"We have absolutely no intention of invading Iran or Syria, just like we had no intention of invading Iraq,"

explained the Prime Minister, David Cameron, in the Commons yesterday .

"However, the Iranian government in particular, must look carefully at both the re-election of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and its nuclear programme, if it wants to avoid an invasion that we have no intention of carrying out."

The Foreign Secretary also moved to quash fears of an imminent invasion.

"There is no list and Iran or Syria are not next on it," he told journalists at a press conference.

"North Korea is, Iran then possibly Syria comes after that."

Military analysts say that an invasion could take place within weeks, but with some aircraft carriers and troops already heading home Iran and Syria may, be safe, for now.

The Iranian government was said to be pleased that the country did not face military attack in the near future but tripled its orders for enriched uranium, sand bags and anti-aircraft guns "just in case".

LONDON—12:30 pm: PM David Cameron gave a nationally televised address this lunch time to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his NHS proposals.

Assuring British citizens that under his knew proposals the elderly and infirmed will have the right to choose how they are executed.

Mr.Cameron vowed to systematically eliminate all British seniors in a manner of their choosing by 2014.

"Let me dispel these ridiculous rumours once and for all and set the record straight: Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story," said the PM, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority.

"If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a secondary school playing field, she is entitled to that right."

"Once again, let me be perfectly clear," Cameron continued.

"Seniors, rest easy knowing that I will never, under any circumstance, sign a bill that doesn't give you the option of being murdered by my Government in a manner of you’re choosing. I promise you that."

During his 45-minute address, Mr. Cameron repeatedly stressed his deep and abiding respect for the nation's 65-and-over citizens, saying that murdering them in ways they wouldn't want to be murdered would be both un-British and "Basically Immoral."

Mr. Cameron also accused his opponents of using scare tactics to score political points, manipulating the elderly’s fears with misinformation about their upcoming state-mandated deaths.

The PM said he sympathized with and related to the fears of older citizens, adding that if a politician told him he could only be killed by being forcibly removed from his home and shot in the street like a dog, but left out the fact that he could also be put down by painless lethal injection, he would be scared, too.

"People' concerns over my plans are all based on bogus claims that we intend to set up death panels to kill off the elderly," Cameron said.

"Well, that is preposterous. A death panel is only one of many ways we can exterminate the elderly. Under my plans, they can be beaten or poisoned to death. They can be murdered by the SAS or MI5. They can die fast or they can die slow. They can even be drowned in their own bathtubs."

"The point is," the PM continued, "there is a way to die in this plan for everyone."

According to the 990-page policy document, seniors would have access to more than 650 methods of execution, all of which would be covered by the NHS or done privately by BUPA. The legislation would also allow aging men and women to keep their own primary care physicians if they prefer to be euthanized by their family GP.

The bill also calls for the creation of government-run carbon monoxide poisoning clinics, termination chambers in all Local Government Office Basements, and a new giant pit in the Kielder Forest, Northumberland where seniors can be dumped and buried en masse.

"Let the record show, I am opposed to the government getting more involved in people's lives,"

Cameron said. "But in times of great change and economic difficulties, government has typically stepped in to lend a helping hand. That is why free shuttle buses to school gymnasiums pumped full of Sarin gas will be provided for all of our elderly!"

This afternoon at yet another Diamond Jubilee Luncheon Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth shocked those assembled. By announcing that she has received a secret briefing giving details that Princes Zara recently married to Mike Tyndall, has been feeling moist for Prince Harry for a very long time.

Zara is said to be luring Harry with her un-torn virtues.

Zara's mother Princess Anne was asked by reporters what she thought about her Mothers comments regarding Zara's sexual desires.

Princess Anne replied to reporters that she did not agree with absurd opinions. The Princess then said,

"Zara is a young woman and needs a macho, cavalry type, red headed man with an elongated worldly experience to help guide her through life, not some midget tossing commoner."

The Princess also added that the passion in such a marriage would never end due to the fact it is seen as illegal.

David Cameron the Prime Minister, in the defence of the royal family, added to the media coverage by saying:

"It is well known the royals have always desired children of a pure royal lineage."

LONDON: HM Queen Elizabeth II spoke for the first time during her Diamond Jubilee Celebrations, when she addressed the nation during her Jubilee Luncheon at Mansion House.

"My loyal subjects, 60 years of being your Queen, has been an endurance akin to hell. I'm not the Queen of a Sovereign Country any more as I gave our sovereignty away when I signed the final Lisbon Treaty.

I'm standing here today giving a PC speech written for me in order to hide this fact and to protect the scum who run the country on behalf of the EU. Where is King Arthur when you need him?"

At which point Her Majesty smiled, lifted her glass of rose’ and said “Nil Satis Nisi Optimum” drank her wine and sat down.

At this juncture the BBC cut the broadcast!