Authors of a controversial report, published today by the IAFF (International Association of Fish Fanciers), surveyed approximately 151,357 British males between the ages of sixteen and fifty-two who regularly ate fish-based products.
Over two thirds of the men exhibited marked female characteristics such as periodic moodiness, low self-esteem and increased sensitivity to personal criticism.
66% admitted to indecisiveness and obsessive concern about their appearance, while more than three-quarters said they were very worried about their weight and broke down in tears if their authority was questioned.
The report has been given the seal of approval by the Ministry of Health who admitted to DSS, that the findings had 'serious implications for future generations because anything more than a moderate change in a man's sexual organs makes it much harder to reproduce.
Their fears were echoed by one anonymous Sales Director from Wakefield, who took time out from trying on his wife's underwear to talk to us.
"I knew something was up when I started having multiple orgasms every time I turned on the water jets in the Jacuzzi."
"But surely that's a good thing?" we asked.
"Not when your willy is smaller than a jelly baby and starting to turn inside out, it isn't," he sobbed tearfully.
His tragic story is not unusual. More than a third of the men surveyed had experienced a 57% increase in the size of their breasts, ninety-eight had begun lactating, and 9,463 had bought panty-liners.
Of the remainder, over half were involved in long-term homosexual relationships, or had started hanging around public toilets.
"There is sufficient evidence of harm that the Government is considering restricting sales of fish and fish-products to women in order to control this devastating threat to male sexuality," commented Dr Michael Dabb, the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency Defra.
The agency, which monitors environmental pollution throughout the UK, said the sex changes were the result of fish being exposed to treated sewage which contained high levels of female hormones as a result of women taking the contraceptive pill.
The irony of the situation was not lost on the good doctor who added bitterly:
"We invented the fucking pill so we could have a whale of a time shagging women with impunity but now the bloody things are all over the place we're in danger of becoming infertile!"
"Sounds like a case of cod moving in a mysterious way to us," we commented.
"Very funny," retorted the doctor.
"You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when every bloke is hung like a gerbil and can only get it up once a month to fire off a few blanks into his wife's nickers."
"We thought they already did," we replied.